Dear First Love,

One of my most favorite quotes is by Nicolas Sparks: “The first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away.” I love this quote because it describes the way I feel about how first loves impact lives.

I remember the exact moment I met you (almost as if it were yesterday): I walked into class trying to find my friends so I could sit next to somebody I knew. As I was scanning the classroom, my eyes stopped at a desk near the back of the room. I had forgotten all about my friends that I was so anxiously trying to find but could only seem to be focused on who was sitting in that desk. Walking hesitantly forward, I decided to sit two seats in front of you (a decision that changed my life). Class started but my focus was only centered on you; and as it turned out, I was all you could think about too. Everybody remembers and reminisces in the first time they met the very first person they fell in love with. Everything always seems so perfect.

At the age of 16, I thought I knew best. I thought I could have my perfect fairytale ending that I’d always wished for. You were my first kiss, my first date, my first prom, my first everything. Nothing seemed like it would ever go bad when you were by my side. All of my flaws magically disappeared due to you. I became confident, selfless, but most importantly, unjustifiably happy because of the perfectness of our relationship. Unfortunately, fairytales aren’t real.

Every first love has its first heartbreak too; I had never felt so much pain before. I thought books and movies were exaggerating when they described breakups as your heart literally feeling as if it were breaking, but they weren't. All of the qualities I had found within myself because of you all became lost in my heartbreak. I became lost and couldn’t find a piece of myself anymore. I told myself everyday you were that missing piece. First loves always seem to find a way back to each other for whatever reason. Luckily for me, you found me again.

I jumped at the instant you showed interest again (always one of my downsides in relationships). I ate up every word you fed me because why wouldn’t I believe you? All of my feelings of love and joy came back when we picked up where we left off. Everything seemed so utterly perfect again. I never questioned how you were the only thing that could ever make me feel so happy. I never missed a chance to show you how much I appreciated and cared for you, and maybe that’s why you took advantage of my love. You knew me so well, a little too well. You knew I cared so deeply about you, that whatever mistake you made, you knew I would always love you enough to take you back. It was here the cycle started.

I never understood how couples could handle being in on-again, off-again relationships, and now I finally understood. The feelings and emotions I developed were so intense and real that I couldn’t imagine ever losing them. My pain from the first time we broke drove me to decide to continuously take you back in fear of feeling that pain again. I didn’t want to feel worthless again. However, after so many heart breaks and lies, my heart realized it had already exceeded the amount of pain a teenager should ever have to endure.

It’s been a couple years since we've split up. As much as I hate to admit, you still continue to hold a place in my heart. I still think about you and all of the great times we had together. Sometimes I wish I could be with you again because you were my first love. Then I remind myself that first loves are meant for a specific reason: to be first loves, not necessarily last loves. So first love, I want to thank you for everything you have made me realize that I’m worth and will become. I strive to have another relationship like what we had because besides all of the immature teenage drama we had, we were something very special. I will never forget you because you truly have changed my life forever.