I'm in tears now. I have been since I heard. I don't know what to think or what to feel and I might have forgotten how to breathe for a minute. I've never felt a pain like this one, one that's so strong that I don't even wish it upon my greatest enemies. I never wanted to be able to write about this or completely understand it, but here we are. At a loss of words and without you.

I don't think anyone could ever prepare for the moment they lose a friend. It's not something you sit around and think about. Not until it happens and it's all you can think about it. You feel guilty for finding something to smile about that day and everyday, normal things remind you of their very essence.

If your friend was anything like mine, then you lost someone who was kind, generous and loving to everyone they met. A friend who would want to be friends with everyone, who had his heart set on a goal and wanted to make positive impacts on those around him. If your friend was anything like mine, then they did make those positive impacts on people. If your friend was anything like mine, then you know what I mean when I say it physically hurts. You already know that it took you forever to finally accept that they were gone, and I know this because I still haven't accepted it. You know that when you hear their name, a piece of you breaks a little more on the inside. And if your friend was anything like mine, you'd know that he'd want you to stop crying and go eat all you can eat tacos on Taco Tuesday.

It's not something anyone should experience. I wish I wasn't. But it's helped me by seeing the impact that he had on the world. The love that was spread throughout, the friendships he made — it was breathtaking to see that kind of impact someone so young could make. These good memories and pictures being shared are what we will remember him by. They are what made him, him.

I want to remember you by the goofy laugh when I unexpectedly made a lame joke, or the way you'd let me vent about life until we'd both fell asleep. I want to remember the inside jokes, the Taco Tuesdays, the look you gave me when you wanted people to leave. I want to remember the first day I met you and the last time we saw each other. I want to remember the way you held me when I couldn't stop crying over that stupid boy or the way you would remind me that I was worth more than I thought I was. I want to remember the day you got your littles, the day you showed me where you kept the extra key to your room and the day I introduced you to my friends. I want to remember the way you got excited about being on the executive board of your fraternity or the way you were friends with people all across Greek life, regardless of letters. I want to remember you by the way you couldn't play intramurals in the slightest, but you tried so hard. I want to remember the way you loved, the way you supported everyone around you and the way you could make anyone smile, even on their worst days. I want to remember you on our happiest days, swinging in your hammock on the balcony as we talked about life, love and everything in the world. I just want to remember you.

I know life will be different. I'll have a little less pep in my walk for a few months. I won't be able to go home to our future apartment anymore without thinking of how you were going to live across the hall from me. I won't be able to hear your name without wanting to crawl into bed and cry. On your birthday, I won't feel like celebrating, but I know I will because that's your favorite thing to do. And I know when all of your things have been moved out and everyone starts to move on, I will close the door to room 69, but I will never forget you. You will always be my person and I will always love you.