Dear Depression,
Our relationship has been quite the roller coaster ride. I use to see you staring at me, the quiet kid across the classroom who would quickly direct their attention elsewhere once I made eye contact. Were you focusing your attention on me? I couldn't be sure so I merely chalked it up to coincidence.
Slowly but surely, I began to realize your presence around me. You wreaked havoc on close friends, tormented family members and took the lives of those unknown to me, but who were unfortunate enough to have your horrific consequences make their way into mainstream media.
One of your least endearing qualities is your perseverance. You spread like a parasite and affect nearly 350 million people worldwide. While I continued to try and disregard your presence, you found a way into my head, as you do with many who try and fight you away. So how did I react? I ignored you. I didn't combat you; I let do what you please while I tried to pretend you weren't there.
But you were.
You began to strengthen, and I began to feel your presence. Some days I would find myself upset about trivial things, and some days I would find myself upset without even knowing why. Still, I tried to ignore you, hoping you would get bored and go away.
Who was I kidding, you weren't going anywhere. While you started to ingrain yourself into my life, I felt as if I was beginning to lose control. I would let you ruin my thoughts, let you ruin my days as you affected every facet of my life. My school work suffered, as did my friendships and relationships as you began to grow and strangle every bit of happiness that dwelt within me.
People began to think this was the new me, that my new attitude was simply a product of my own actions. In reality, my actions were that of a marionette being controlled by the most sadistic of puppeteers.
You began to destroy my ambition, my initiative and my life. I found no reason to fight back and no reason to care about what was happening to me.
I started to slide into a dark place in my life. A dark cave where I dwelt in unexplained misery. Though I had a good life, a good family and a good education, I couldn't find happiness because of you.
I found myself walking around campus as a shadow of my former self. I pushed on through physical and mental pain, sleepless nights, grades that were beginning to slip and ever-increasing anxiety and depression.
I found myself in a hole in which I knew no way of digging myself out of. I was terrified of the future because I had no idea what was going to happen next.
Fortunately, I was surrounded by people who helped me fight back. I found support from those had had previously fought with you and those who were continuing to fight with you. They helped me do something that many find extremely hard.
I searched for help.
While it seems like an easy concept, someone who is struggling under your throes can often find getting help extremely challenging. It can be viewed as an admission of weakness, though it should truly be viewed as an act of strength; as a rebellion to take back control on their life.
Asking for help does not show weakness, it shows strength.
It took me a long to to accept the fact that I could not battle you on my own. To simply accept that I needed help. Sometimes we just need to accept that we need help.
Whether it is in the form of a support system, medication, therapy or any other form of help, the search for assistance can be a life-changing act; it's something that I urge all who suffer from mental illnesses to do.
Depression, you had your fun and at the expense of mine. But I did the most important thing I could –– I fought back with all that I could, with every resource in my arsenal. And I won.
You can't fight a war without an army so why should you fight a disease without help? I found my army, and I took back control of my life, and I urge all those in a similar situation to do the same.
Sincerely,
A victor
