Can I start with I’m sorry?
I know it seems like such a stupid thing to start with when most of the time our conversations start with “Hey, guess what?” and end with “I love you.” I’ve loved you half of your life, and you’ve loved me almost half of mine. Remember when we used to listen to Justin Bieber, and smoke in the woods? Remember when we’d talk boys and girls and everything in between? Remember all those weekends we spent curled up under blankets wondering where your brother was, and if he was okay? When I broke up with your brother, I didn’t break up with you. That’s why I’m sorry.
I’m sorry because I flew to Kentucky and drank chocolate milk with you.
I’m sorry because I drove to Kentucky and we went skinny dipping in your grandmothers’ pool.
I’m sorry because you picked me up in Ohio and we spent an entire week watching Juno and playing with cats.
I’m sorry because we grew up together and you still had to tell me that I was using the wrong pronouns.
It didn’t come as a surprise when you told me – rather, it cemented an understanding I hadn’t known existed. It didn’t change anything, but yet it changed everything. The name was irrelevant and empowering all at once. It’s a privilege to know it, to be one of those who you trust with this piece of you, but I feel like I should have known all on my own. I’m sorry you had to tell me.
There’s something else I have to say too. I’m proud of you.
I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished. I’m proud of the strength and resilience you’ve shown through this journey so far. It’s been nine months now, since you really jumped in, and I’ve only seen you once during that time but you looked so happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you...your happiness.
I know you struggle with your anxiety, and I know sometimes bad days become bad weeks, but you keep pushing forward. You keep moving toward your goals, and the things that will ultimately create the life you’re comfortable and happy living. Do you know how amazing that is? How amazing you are?
I can’t even begin to understand your feelings and struggles as you go through this journey. I can only promise to be by your side when things go wrong and when they go right. I can promise to answer the phone every possible chance I get and I can promise to miss you with all my heart and soul when you’re not around. I can’t offer you much, but I can be your support system when you need someone, and I can be the listening ear you’ve been searching for.
Beanie Baby, do you know how handsome you are? Do you see it when you look in the mirror now? Maybe not, because things aren’t always so black and white, but I see it when I look at you. I see the way your eyes have changed; the way they’ve stopped holding onto so many secrets. I’m so glad you’re finally letting yourself be who you were meant to be.
I love you, sweetheart. Come see me soon?
