To The Boy I Love,
Let me begin by saying that you are special. You might not believe it, and you might not act like it, but I see it! For two years I walked around looking like I was either really angry and was ready to punch someone, or like I was really sad, or worried, and also ready to punch someone. Lately, I started smiling on my walks to class. I was a little less angry, and I hated myself a little less. I began to say good morning to the guy behind the desk, every day at 6:30am. I mean, who’s happy that early?! I wasn’t, not until I met you.
The world did seem a little brighter, and my choices a little lighter. I hated myself for so long, and then you came around, and everything magnified in the light. It was like I was seeing the world with brand new eyes. The pigments enhanced. The light outweighed the dark. Suddenly I wasn’t afraid of failing, not because I knew you’d catch me, but because you were something worth stumbling over. I hated myself, and some dormant part of me will always remember that. You don’t take away the hate, no one can really take away the hate, but you seeped into the cracks, bonding and mending with love and laughter, and I hated myself a little less each day. And even though you can’t fix me, I can fix me. You make me want to fix me. That’s the beauty of it, you’re not trying to fix me, to you I put the stars in the sky, but I want to give you the sun and the moon, so I want to fix me.
As I sit here picturing us the way we use to be, I can’t help but to feel a little ache in my chest. I can’t look at things the same way. I can’t see things without associating them to you anymore. And that’s the terrifying part because that’s when I realized that I couldn’t ever get those things back. I couldn’t walk into this building without seeing shadows of myself sitting there waiting for you to come around, shards and remains of the relief I felt when you finally did show up. I watch those shadows reenact the memories in my head and I watch myself laugh at your absurd jokes, I watch myself looking at you trying to memorize everything about you as if I knew that our time would be limited and I couldn’t stand the idea of not knowing everything about you.
Falling in love with you was the biggest leap of faith I have experienced and through the love and insecurities and loneliness and laughter and tears, there is always fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of being heartbroken again. I am afraid of you changing your mind from one day to the next like it’s been done before. I am afraid of feeling alone and abandoned and like I don’t matter and something is wrong with me.
And through this underlying fear there is always hope, the fight in my heart that says, “you’ll be okay, whatever happens, you will be okay.” And I believe it, I really do, and yet, I still choose to let the fear roam free in the deepest parts of my being. It is something I have yet to learn to get over, and I don’t know where to begin, but for now I am just taking it day by day and loving you unconditionally every step of the way.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who's Got Your Back
