Dear Old Best Friend,
I want you to know how long it took me to write this. I wanted the perfect words to express to you how letting you go felt. I know neither of us got the closure we wanted, but I hope this letter gives you what I couldn’t bring myself to say to your face. If that makes me a coward, then fine, I am one.
It’s been about a year since things have been “normal” for us, and within that year I’ve tossed two options back and forth: to try to fix what went wrong, or to let you go. I wanted to fix things, but so much damage had been done that I realized what I needed was to step away from the situation. That last fight we had, something inside me changed. A stomach-turning moment where my head won over my heart, and I decided it was time to accept what is, and leave you behind.
You pushed me too far. I’m sorry that all of the years we were best friends when things got sour I’d find myself running back even if I felt like you didn’t deserve it- and sometimes you didn’t- but I did because I was afraid to lose you. When I found that I wasn’t so afraid anymore, I knew it was time.
I know you probably see this as being insensitive, but I think after all of this time I just realized that I deserved better. Does that hurt you? Good. It makes up for all of the hurtful things you’ve said to me over the years, and there were many; some I swore I’d never forget, and still haven’t. You were one of the few people in my life able to put me down with just words, and on many occasions you did.
It pains me to say that in this situation, the bad outweighed the good and I couldn’t force myself to bounce back when I wasn’t ready. I swear to you I thought I would wake up one day, be over it, miss you, and want to make amends per usual; I never woke up with that feeling.
If you think this was easy for me you are so wrong. It devastated me to hear that you’ve been torn up about this. As I, too, have sat in a pool of my own tears reevaluating the situation I understood your pain. I’m sorry, but it still didn’t change anything.
I may be moving on but I still care about you. I find myself checking up on you sometimes to make sure life’s treating you well, to make sure your boyfriend treats you the way you deserve, and I hope he does. Although I always saw him as a wedge that separated us, I commend him for stepping in when I stepped out.
My dear old friend I can’t promise you many things anymore but I can this: I can promise you I won’t forget you. You were there through the darkest moments of my life and some of the lightest, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I can promise you I watch from a distance but don’t see myself coming to the surface any time soon. Again, I’m sorry if this hurts you, but I told you I wanted you to understand. Maybe letting go will be easier once you’ve read this. I can promise that if I ever wake up with the feeling as if I’ve made a mistake that I’ll reach out to you, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.
I didn’t write this out of spite, hate, or anger towards you. I wrote it, because of all the times I’ve thought about sitting you down have made me sick, and you know I never mind confrontation- but leaving you behind was equally as difficult as you getting over it. I know you see me as having abandoned you throughout all this time, but I just needed the right words to say. I hope this letter finds you well.
They say birds of a feather fly together, but our friendship became toxic to my wings, so I forced myself to soar without you.
Sincerely,
An old best friend
