The end of a break-up is typically accompanied by mixed emotions: for some it may be relief, for others it may be shock, and for most, it's utter sadness. As a young adult still trying to navigate the inner workings of how to handle heartbreak and still come out on top, a little advice can go a long way. If you're currently finding yourself feeling confused and hurt, here are some things that might help get you through.
What You Have a Right to Be Mad About:
1. How quickly things change.
When "I like you" and "I love you" suddenly become "I liked you" and "I loved you," it's easy to feel both hurt and angry. And that's okay. Usually, this statement comes as a shock, and you wonder when that happened. You might also feel betrayed, as if your significant other couldn't be bothered to tell you about the change of heart while it was happening. That was their choice, and now you're dealing with the aftermath.
2. Missing pieces.
If you've been left with a lot of questions about what happened and how it did, you're going to be upset. The worst thing that can happen with a break-up -- particularly with on-again, off-again ones -- is wondering if it's really over, and why your partner felt the need to end it. If you can get the closure easily, go for it. Otherwise, don't feel bad for feeling hostile or angry towards that person. You deserved answers, and that's not something you should feel ashamed to ask about.
3. The ending.
In many cases, relationships end on complicated terms. There's a lot of stress on both sides, which is typically accompanied by confusion, tension, anger, frustration, and a multitude of other emotions that make the whole event feel surreal and prevent either side from getting the closure they need. Don't feel bad for feeling upset or blindsided by the ending, particularly when it was out of your control. Getting broken up with often isn't a mutual choice, but there's no real way to say "No, I don't want that." If that's the case you're in, you feel vulnerable and helpless and angry. You're not alone.
4. Hostility prior to the break-up.
It seems as if the best way someone can find to prepare their girlfriend or boyfriend for a break-up is to treat them with coldness, hostility, and impersonal conversation (as if being cruel to you before it ends is going to make you feel less badly about losing them).
Typically, you're going to wonder why you're being treated this way. This is often followed by self-doubt, and whether or not they are in fact acting differently than normal. Why cause a problem if one doesn't exist? Chances are, it does. Don't be afraid to confront them about this. And if you're past this point, and you're still reeling from the confusion and emotional pain that it caused, you're completely in the right.
5. When they're not making sense.
If during your break-up, they seemed distant and fake and cruel, chances are it was a coping mechanism. (Note: it's not a very good one.) While it makes sense to feel hurt or blindsided by this, in most cases it's best not to take it too personally. It's more than likely that they didn't want to hurt you during the break-up, because by doing so, they would also be hurting themselves. By being cold or acting as if the stakes of the relationship were different than you had previously thought, they're isolating themselves from the situation. It's nothing you did.
What You Need To Know
1. It's not your fault (!!!).
Even if you don't believe this, you need to repeat it to yourself until you do. If they had a problem with one of your qualities, behaviors, or interests, then that's ultimately their own problem to deal with. Never change who you are, and never blame the destruction of a relationship on yourself. This is important. There are two sides.
2. Nothing you could have done would have prevented this from happening.
This is an extension of #1. Everything happens for a reason. If it feels like it happened prematurely, chances are that it's a blessing in disguise: you're being shielded from even worse pain that you would face, had it happened somewhere way down the line.
3. Despite how someone acted throughout the relationship, sometimes their true colors are revealed through the stress they face at its end.
If their words cross over from distant and cold to outwardly and deliberately cruel, then you're facing an actual problem. If they're changing the story (i.e. saying that their goals for the relationship are completely different from what they were at its onset, or expressing that they are unsure what the relationship's future holds), chances are that it's a result of their own insecurity.
When they're feeling insecure about themselves, they question all of their commitments - including the one they made to you. Sometimes they translate this insecurity into anger towards you; if they suddenly are unprecedentedly harsh or immature, it might be safe to assume that their own fears are being attributed to, and blamed on you. Do not accept another's faults as your own. Those are their issues. Stay true to yourself, and stand your ground. Their attitude towards you at the end might just display what they're really capable of making you feel like: don't stick around to endure that behavior.
4. Recovery time varies.
It typically seems as if people take the as much time to get over a relationship as they did to have it (e.g. two months for two months, and even two years for a two year-long relationship). The key thing to remember is that this varies. If you get over a serious relationship alarmingly quick, don't fuss over it. If you're happy, be happy.
Everybody grieves differently. And while using the word "grieve" to describe the aftermath of a break-up might sound a little extreme, the loss can make you feel like it's similar to a death: after talking everyday and spending time together constantly, in the blink of an eye all contact is lost, and there's nothing you can do to get it back (assuming you don't want to make the situation messier than it already is).
Another thing that often goes unsaid is that you will likely go through cycles: after days or weeks of feeling strong and happy, you might experience days or weeks that present a resurgence of grief and loneliness. Don't get discouraged. Even if you can't see it, you are making progress. Don't rush yourself.
5. They are not, nor will they ever be, worth your tears.
This one is a cliché, because it's true. You don't need anyone who doesn't need you. You will disagree with that, but that doesn't mean it's not true. While it's important to give yourself enough time to make peace with the situation, it's also important to remember that the two of you were living separate lives before the relationship began: you can do it again. He or she is not an extension of you.
Pick yourself back up, because regardless of what you believe, and especially regardless of what they made you believe, you are beautiful, strong, intelligent, and a million other positive adjectives. Use that knowledge to grow or maintain the confidence you need to let them go. If they're willing to lose you, they're not worth crying over.
What You Need To Do:
1. Be careful with your phone.
Delete them off snapchat. You won't want to, because you'll want to post a million superficial stories just to see that they opened them, so that at least they'll still be thinking about you when they see your name. That won't matter when you see all the stories they post with the new girls or boys that enter their lives.
Delete them and thank yourself later. Save yourself the anxiety: out of sight, out of mind. If you also feel the need to remove them from other social networking sites, do this. Reconcile the issue later. But for now, it might be detrimental to your own progress if you suffer through watching theirs.
Also: do not text or call. If your break-up ended on good terms, there's a high probability that you'll end up in a mess after you send that text. Save yourself the added pain, in exchange for the less severe one that you're feeling now.
2. Be selfish.
This one is hard to do. After a long period of wanting to give another person everything that they could want, just because you wanted to see them happy, this will feel unnatural and petty. Do it anyways. Assume that they did everything wrong, and that you were perfect. Even if this isn't true, it will get you through the initial rough patch until you're ready to reflect on and try to learn from the relationship. For now, salvage the pride you have left and have a little faith in yourself. You have a lot going for you, and they had a lot to lose. Their choice to lose you shouldn't be your problem.
3. Stay independent.
You hear it all the time: rebound relationships are bad. And while for a lot of people, finding comfort in the arms of another person makes them feel as if they're preventing themselves from feeling the loss of the break-up, it always ends eventually. Don't involve another person in the pain you feel, because it will only get worse (for you, your rebound, and your ex, collectively).
This isn't to say that independence after a serious, especially long-term relationship is easy. You have to actively choose to pursue it, and you will feel alone, at least at first. Find a way to fill the void that your partner left behind; you can do it, you have a lot to offer. It will take time, but you'll be infinitely happier in the long run.
4. Practice all the clichés.
Cry a lot, cry a little. Eat lots of ice cream while watching sad romance movies, and listen to love songs that make you sadder than you were. (Or don't do this, is my personal recommendation.) When you're ready, focus on yourself. Using the absence of distraction to get your grades up, do better at work, volunteer, and be a better person in general. Eventually, you will feel infinitely better, without even realizing how far you've come.
5. Don't hold hate in your heart for too long.
If you allow a relationship to consume your thoughts for too long, it will only be weighing you down. When you're finally ready, just let it go. Holding grudges will only create anxiety and conflicts in the future. Remember that not everyone is the same. Holding onto trust issues with someone in the past will only prevent you from feeling as happy as you could, or committing to someone as much as they deserve, in the future.
In a relationship, you're vulnerable no matter what: might as well let your guard down, because in the end if you get hurt, it's gonna hurt either way. Be kind and compassionate, poised and gentle, understanding and optimistic. Use the experience to make you a better person, not a bitter one.
