Hey old friends. I call you old friends because you have been a part of my life for a long time now. Now, I hate to sound mean but I liked my life before you guys came into it. I was happier, energized, and didn’t care about anything. I was always the happiest kid. I loved my life and the tons of people that surrounded me. Mostly importantly I loved myself.
Me and depression were friends first. He came into my life about the end of middle school and the start of high school. It wasn’t anything severe at first. I just wasn’t used to having him around 24/7. Some days he told me that I shouldn’t go out. Back then I could tell him I want to go out and go. He wasn’t as strong then and we were only acquaintances.
Anxiety came into my life my sophomore year in high school. Now anxiety didn’t ease himself into my life like depression did. He did it and somehow was able to control me and how I thought about everything. I couldn’t go to the mall, store, movies, etc. Literally ANY where I could go. He would tell me
“You’re going to get dizzy and pass out, hit your head then die.”
“What if there is a shooting?”
“Too many people go there you can’t go there.”
On the days that I would argue back and forth with my anxiety... sometimes I would win and get myself to go to the mall. Only to realize I am sweating and panicking very bad. I would have to speed walk to my car as Anxiety is telling me “I told you so” repeatedly. Depression kind of stayed out of Anxiety’s way during this year. He would still be there, but at night time when I felt like I could never be cured.
I started going to a counselor and she taught me how to control anxiety and his mischievous ways. Once I got that under control and I was finally becoming happy again that’s when Depression knew he couldn’t let me be happy! So, he went to work and continued to imbalance the chemicals in my brain. Amazing, huh?
Now back to the present. Like I said you guys have been around for a long time. I do consider you guys my friends. It’s weird because I forget what life was like without you two. So, if you left, I honestly wouldn’t know how to live properly. I’m comfortable in my setting. No I am not happy, but comfortable. It would just be nice if sometimes, Anxiety I’m talking to you, that if my head hurts I just haven’t gotten enough sleep or drank enough water. Not jump to the conclusion that I have a brain tumor. That’s your biggest problem jumping to conclusions. Don’t think I forgot about you Depression. I wish you would let me learn to love myself and be happy in the body that I live in. You tell me I have nothing going for me, that I am ugly, that there is never a point in me trying. In the back of my mind I try not to believe you, but it’s the only way I have thought for six years now. I’m sorry I take that medicine that makes you disappear sometimes throughout the day. You’re beginning to figure out how to avoid that medicine and not get caught. So I guess you continue to one up me.
I’m sorry if this offends you guys. Because you are my friends and have been with me through a lot. And when I get sad you guys are always there to tell me I am right about everything I am thinking. It would just be nice if you guys could maybe try to lay off a little bit? I could use some space. Thank you.
Yours truly,
Cierra
