Dear father,
You know, for a long time I was just angry. Angry at the fact that you didn't call. Angry because I thought you would have shown up for this birthday, or maybe that one, but oh, definitely this one. . . right? It took years to understand what I did wrong, and I finally came up with the answer. It's not my fault that you didn't want to be here.
Maybe you couldn't be here. I know being as young as you and my mother were it had to be tough. When I was a teenager, I could not even imagine having to take care of a child. I understand that you weren't ready. Now, I understand you still aren't ready, or maybe it's me. Either way, I want you to know that I look just like you. I look in the mirror and see so much of you, it's scary. I've tried to deny you, but that only got me feeling like I wasn't important. God placed other people in my life to fill that void, and more importantly, He's been here.
I will tell you that I love you, and I miss you. I miss the conversations we could have had. I miss you all the times you could have threatened those boys. I miss those nights where I thought I would be able to run into your arms and tell you how hard life was. But, you weren't — and that's okay. We've had years of the back and forth. We've had years of the, "let's try again, baby girl," and still nothing. I've accepted that we may not have a real relationship. I've accepted the fact that maybe this is how my life was supposed to be. I've accepted the fact that I was supposed to figure this thing out without you. I've accepted the fact that we're distant. I've accepted the fact that we aren't always ready at the same time. Either way, you've taught me a great lesson. You've shown me the biggest lesson of forgiveness. You've taught me how to forgive others because you were one of my biggest cases of forgiveness.
So, thank you. I pray that the tattoo of my birthday on your arm will motivate you somehow. I pray you have an amazing life. I do love you no matter what. I'm just not ready to have a relationship with you.
Love,
Your adult daughter.
