Today's been hard. Some days are worse than others, and today's definitely one of those days.
Some days, you barely cross my mind. Some days, you're the first thing I think about. You enter my mind and never leave. Until it seems that sleep is the only escape from the feelings. But sometimes even that fails, because you're in my dreams.
I don't know if I want to thank you, or scream at you. Sometimes I wish that it could go back to the way it was. Some days, I feel like I'm going crazy.
Is there a reason to miss someone so much?
Is there a reason to miss someone that hurt you like you've hurt me?
Is there a reason to miss someone who hasn't been in your life for very long?
In a lot of ways it doesn't make sense.
I try to take the bad days and make them positive. I try to channel how I'm feeling into work, school, creative outlets, etc, but sometimes that's easier said than done. Sometimes all I want to do is to stare blankly at a screen, not really seeing, so that I'm not tempted to think about you.
Some days are amazing. The days and the moments we spent together were amazing, and when I think back on that, I can't feel anything but happiness. And I know we will have many more amazing days, together or apart. We will become different people. We already have. I look at you and I see only a trace of who you were a few months ago.
Not that you aren't just as great now, but it's different. I feel different too.
You've been through a lot of things that would completely break anyone else, and people are so quick to judge you. After what was said about me, they were quick to judge me too. But we've both been through a lot, in completely different ways. We've helped each other through it, although in the process of doing that we each managed to put the other person through hell, too. But, we both made it back. And now looking back, I know that everything will have worked out the way it was supposed to.
You were one of my favorite people in the world. In some ways you still are. The first time I met you, there was something amazing about you. You weren't fake, you were 100% yourself. You had something so fun but so chill, so serious, but so full of light at the same time.
Some would call it charisma. And almost everyone loves you for it, even if you don't realize it yourself. Believe me they do.
Sure, there's a few who hate you for it. But they don't matter in the long run anyway. You already knew that though. That's something you taught me, and I honestly can't thank you enough for that. You reminded me that I was worth something. I hope I taught you something too. It's so crazy to me that you were able to impact me so much in such a short amount of time, but you did, and you managed to change the way I thought about my life. You opened my eyes to things that I never even thought about before you came along.
Not many people have the chance to have someone like you in their lives. But you taught me so much, you opened my mind up to new ways of thinking, a new way of living. And I will never be able to thank you enough for that. Whatever we had, it was something special. If I could change anything, it would be the way we slowly slipped away from each other, all because of one event. That's the part that makes me the saddest, because it wasn't caused by anything either of us could control.
You made me so happy, but the problem is that I became dependent on that happiness, the light. I fell so in love with that light that I fell out of love with myself. I became so happy because of you that I couldn't be happy without you. I couldn't be happy just being me, having my life go back to the way it was before. That's the costly mistake that I made. But you did make me happy. You said I made you happy too.
I remember this one moment the first time I ever met you, I said something stupid and you gave me the biggest smile that I've ever seen. I remember that smile to this day, and I'll remember it till the day I die. As simple as it was, it might have been one of my favorite moments.
Maybe I never even cross your mind. Or maybe you think about me more than I think about you. I've learned to accept either, and if I hadn't, then I would be SO hypocritical giving you this one piece of advice: Never let others dictate your life. Trust yourself above anyone else to make the decisions that are best for you. At the end of the day, only you know how you feel. And only your heart can tell you what's right and wrong. No one else's. Remember that. Honestly I think you need to.
And honestly, I just want to see you happy. You don't deserve anything bad in the world, and no matter how much you've hurt me, even I can still see that. Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth it. Your good days are still my good days. Your bad days are still my bad days. When you cry, I'll cry with you. My heart breaks for you every time I see that you're upset. When you hate someone, I'll hate them with you. When you need help, I'll be there to help you. But do what makes you happy. I will admit that everyone has a weakness, and mine is you. You're also one of the best, most amazing people I have ever known. So, today, tonight, years down the road, if you need anything, you know that I'm here.
The only other thing I'm going to say is that you made me incredibly happy. Low key.
- Z
