My 2018 didn't end with a bowl of ice cream and Ryan Seacrest counting down the NYC ball drop on my television. My 2019 didn't begin with festivities, resolutions, or smiles. It ended and began with tears, heartbreak, pain - emotions like I have never felt them before. A sudden sense of loneliness; a struggle to find my place again in this world. It ended and began without one very important person - it ended and began with the loss of my grandpa. With the passing of one of my best friends in this life.
This year has felt longer than any of the other eighteen prior to it. But, it has also flown by faster than any of its predecessors. I feel like I have transformed into someone I wish my grandpa could see and know, but as I write this, I also feel like I'm back to square one. While I have learned so incredibly much, there will never be a year that goes by where this day isn't dark and haunting.
And that, my friends, is the very first lesson I learned - love never dies.
Jessica Schmidt
This past year, I learned that some people you will simply miss forever because love truly never dies. Some people you will just miss forever and ever, as I miss my grandpa. He may have left this Earth, but my love for him has never stop pouring out of my soul. It has never stop beating to the rhythm of my heart, flowing through my veins. And because of this, my grief and longing will always linger, but it will never fester. It leads to laughter and memories, and it also leads to tears. But it is a reminder of the gift, the blessing, that I once had in my life. This eternal love, this consistent longing, will only propel me forward. For him.
I also learned that some people won't understand, but that's okay. This past year, my first biggest struggle with grief, taught me that while A LOT of people have been big supports, some simply won't be able to empathize with you. Some will not understand you. Some will expect you to get over it, to accept it, to move on. But that taught me something, as well.
I learned that my feelings are mine to take care of, however I please. I learned to be free within my own emotions. To cry and grieve one week, six months, a year after, and beyond. To smile and have fun without guilt. To long and to regret, to cherish and to reminiscence. This past year taught me to not give a care in the world what others think of my ability to handle things, and I am forever thankful for the outpouring of love and support that came from those who understood that.
I learned that crying is not weak. This year brought a lot of tears without my grandpa, and it took a lot of strength for me to push through without him - one of the few people I would turn to in times like these. So crying in the car, crying in my bedroom, crying into someone's shoulder - however, whenever, wherever - may have been the biggest show of strength I exemplified this year.
I learned that life is short, so take in all of its wonder and glory each and every day.
Jessica Schmidt
When you lose someone so important to you, someone you literally had plans with the day of their death, someone you saw nearly every day for years and years and years, it really hits how numbered our days are. But I truly believe my grandpa died without regrets. He created a beautiful family, he nurtured an undying legacy. He owned some of the most beautiful cars in the world. He started his own business, and it SOARED. He enjoyed his life to the fullest, and he was truly happy. Despite the grief and the tears and the pain, I powered through 2019 because of this lesson. He inspired me to fight to success, to not lose a year to darkness. I traveled to another continent because of him. I got three internships. I kept a 4.0 GPA. I went on my dream vacation with my grandma. While I missed him immensely throughout it all, I could feel his spirit inspiring and encouraging me throughout it.
I learned the power of family. The way in which family bonds together during difficult times. The way in which we lean on each other for support and attempt to fill each other's voids in our hearts. The way in which my family has come together to form one heart has retained the memory of my grandpa's large, loving, and generous heart. Man, he truly did everything for everyone. I just hope we have made him proud, individually and as one.
And, lastly, I've learned the importance of memories.
Jessica Schmidt
Sometimes, all you're left with is memories. So make as many as possible. Never stop loving, never stop forgiving, never stop snapping pictures and laughing and smiling. Because in one year, I have discovered that life is oh so fragile. Let's cherish it; let's cherish each other.
