That feeling.
It starts in your stomach. Like the right hook from a promising heavyweight, your insides constrict. It squeezes them to a point of no mercy, as if the hands of a vengeful creator are fastened to your either side. Your only respite are the hurried acts of respiration. You try to steady it, to steady yourself, to hold on to some semblance of normal biological activity.
But nothing about this moment is normal. You are now inside an aberration. These are not your every day operations. Under usual circumstances, you'd have been ready. You could have prepared yourself for what was coming. But that's not today. You never had the chance. This moment wasn't predetermined, it's ruled over general happenstance. You can't account for that. It's not like you're walking around each and ever day readying for a instance of intermittent nervousness. You can't do that, there's no possibility. You just have to buck up and soldier on.
By now your body has transformed into a rubbery mess that has no use. Your legs wobble. Your arms droop. Your shoulders slouch. Your eyes stare...
...her eyes sparkle. They shimmer, even in the dullest of lights. You've never seen the shade comprising them. It may very well exist in the visible spectrum of color, but you highly doubt anyone has ever found a word to contain that length of beauty. There's fire in them, but it doesn't look painful to touch. It looks comfortably cozy, like seeing a warm hearth after trudging through harsh and frigid conditions. If these are indeed the windows into her soul, you can only imagine what delights await you upon arrival.
It fascinates, permeates, captivates...
...but if you let it, it could desolate. You estimate that it could devastate and terminate all that you celebrate, then you'd alienate and discriminate all those who participate. So why activate? Surely you could designate something to imitate or encapsulate...
...OK so you calm down. You're seeing every bad thing that could one day happen, long before anything good has happened. So maybe you should let it happen. Where's the harm? Your body might not be cooperating, but your brain is still running at half speed. Maybe that's enough to wow her, to make her smile, or even better, laugh. There's nothing quite like laughter from the person you're trying to impress. There's validation inside those giggles. You could put on quite the performance. I've done it for others, why not for her?
But maybe you don't let it happen. Maybe you move your gaze onto another one, thing, or idea. Perhaps those eyes aren't worth the pain behind them. They may very well be, but the chance that they're not may be too large to take. What if her stomach isn't as tightened as yours? What if she's looking back with the normal every day gaze of a friend, or worse yet, an acquaintance. Is it really worth the risk of embarrassing yourself? Other people are around us. What if they hear? What if they judge? Could I overcome that?
And thus, in these moments, we truly find our humanity.The truth is you never really know what to do in these moments. No one does. Not the coolest guy, or the prettiest girl, not your friends or your parents, no one can tell you. That's what makes it so perfect: it's just you, plain and simple. There's no play-by-play to get you though it. There's no cheat sheet, no spark notes, no easy fix to get you into good graces. You can't pretend your way out. You have to just be yourself. As terrifying as that sounds, it's the most basic, and therefore most understood, of human fears. We're so afraid of our own minds, of what we're capable of. Your anxiety in these situations doesn't have to be a hindrance. It proves that the person you're with is worth that feeling. And lets say for example that after saying something "stupid" in these moments, the other person laughs at you or makes fun of you, or even loses interest in you. Consider yourself lucky then, because you've outed someone who's far more afraid to be themselves then you'll ever be. Awkward moments, especially in social or romantic climates, are some of the (for lack of a better word) realest moments you'll ever have. Why shy away from it? Who cares about those people out there who know all the right moves and say all the right things. I'd much rather be someone who stumbles clumsily though these things. It shows your sincerity. So let your humanity run amok, let awkwardness reign supreme, and never be afraid of those feelings running up your spine, through your stomach, and down your fingertips...it's just electricity, provided there's a spark.
