A few days ago, a friend who knew that I write for Odyssey, came to me for an article she wanted to write anonymously. The topic, though very personal, is one I believe is not talked about nearly enough, especially in college communities. For the past few years, I knew my friend struggled. She confided in me and we talked about it every now and then. Though the topic is something I have not personally experienced, and I pray that I never will, it is one that almost half a million Americans experience in one year.
“They always say college, the ‘best 4 years of your life,’ will define the person that you’ll one day be. It is the first day of the rest of your grown up life, and how true that really is. It’s crazy how much the moments in our lives truly define us.
One word changed the way I saw that. One word made me feel so helpless, lonely, anxious and depressed. It amazes me that one person can take away every ounce of confidence and self-control that I had. Lastly, it’s unbelievable to me that 1 in every 5 college women will experience this.
Rape. A word society is ashamed to talk about, but imagine if you’re the victim. Imagine telling your family- something I haven't done and don't think I will ever have the strength to do. Imagine overcoming that.
This one four-letter word has the power to change everything- and it did. It changed my entire college career. It took away my freshman year and so much more than just that. It is something that I can’t shake and I can’t get it out of my head. Three years later and I am still kept up at night because I will never see myself the same or feel the same about my body. I don't feel in control and that is one of the worst feelings, and it was one person who took it all.
It happened homecoming night. Homecoming is supposed to be a time of fun, drunken, stupid, memories with friends, food and floats. Parade floats. Homecoming for me now, is a week of anxiety attacks, sleepless nights and fear. Nothing is worse than fearing a night that so many of your friends are looking forward to. It is now a week of harnessing and shoving down those awful feelings just so no one knows or asks. But the worst part is it doesn’t end when homecoming week ends. Three years later and I can’t bring myself to let a guy sleep in my bed or do anything more than a kiss.
My life was the farthest thing from hard, until that night. From then on it is a night and a week and a year that will never be the same for me. When I think of that day, that month, and my whole my freshman year, I think of the girl that I used to be, you know, before that night. You hurt, you ache and you do what you can to hide the pain from all the days following that one night that changed everything. Your friends don’t get why you are so "emotionless." Little do they know, it is not because you don’t want to show how happy and proud you are, but it’s because you can’t bear the thought of what comes after the happiness fades away. Having to actually feel the pain. They don't understand that pit you feel in your stomach when they talk about the amazing night they had with the guy they love because you can't bear the thought of someone even touching you. You slowly realize that the night it all happened comes back to you in the most random moments and even on your best days.
I will never understand why this happened to me. You think, “Was I too drunk? Did I lead him on? Was it what I wore?” I blamed myself for a long time, then I blamed the world and my friends, and then I blamed him. I will never understand why that night happened.
But you do overcome it, you rise up, and you have to. One day you realize you are more than that four-letter word. Trust me, it would have been so easy to say I give up and let myself keep falling to rock bottom. It is so easy to convince yourself you aren't worth it, because someone took everything from you. It's not easy to convince yourself you are worth it and that you have a purpose. You keep trying to convince yourself, until one day you believe it. A few months ago, almost three years later, I started to believe it."
When you think of the word rape, can you even really think about it? Can you say it without feeling some pit in your stomach or without whispering it? Rape is something we can't be quiet about. It is something we should not feel ashamed, embarrassed or afraid to talk about. Though this may be the only friend of mine who came to me to write about it, I know a few other women who have been subject to rape. Most of these women experienced it during their college years. I cannot imagine whom else I have talked to or become friends with that may be struggling in the same way. The less we talk about it, the more cases of rape and sexual assault will go on without being noticed. Every two minutes an American is sexually assaulted. Men and women should not have to walk around with the anxiety of what another person can do to them.
For anyone interested in learning more about sexual assault or for someone needing help through an experience, check out these few websites or give your local Rape/Abuse Hotline a call.
National number:
1-800-656-HOPE
It is not impossible to get through the experience. You can take back your control and you can become the person you need to be.
