A mother cleans her son’s bedroom when she discovers, to her disappointment and disgust, a stash of pornographic magazines hidden beneath the adolescent’s bed. Not sure what to do, the mother waits for the father to get home at which she shows him the magazines and asks him what should be done. Noticing the magazines are predominantly bondage and S&M pornography, the father replies, “well, I think spanking him is out of the question.”

Forgive, if you will, my joke about sadomasochism. Unless, of course, it made you chuckle, then by all means, no forgiveness is necessary. I just wanted to draw some attention to the idea that some people enjoy punishment.

What happens to these kinds of people? They create video games. They create games that leave us frustrated and hateful and bitter. Their ilk are the sources from which sprang forth the likes of “Demon Souls” and its spiritual successors. These vile men and their creations are the reason I know how to swear with a proficiency that would make a sailor blush. Countless controllers have met their end because of the sinister and stressful games created by these men.

Of course, my mind isn’t even thinking of games like “Demon Souls” or anything even with the past two decades. In the same vein with which gamers either lambast or celebrate those irritatingly difficult games, I’m thinking more retro. I’m thinking NES and SNES era games, games that raised me and turned me into the cruel, despicable person I am today.

"Mega Man X"

Mega Man’s jump onto the 16-bit bandwagon was lauded as a masterpiece of the Super Nintendo’s technological superiority. The graphics were amazing. The music was upbeat and catchy. The gameplay was just about second to none as far as 2D sides-scrolling action goes. The game was superior in practically every way to its NES predecessors.

Although the game itself was no slouch, reaching the game’s final boss, players were finally introduced to the villainous Sigma. And while the boss fight is, in retrospect, not that severe, all the game that came before didn’t prepare me for this. This was a 3-tier fight that began with Sigma’s robotic canine followed by Sigma’s initial form, and, then, his room-filling final form. Each form, canine included, administered a thorough health-draining beat down, so you better hope to high heaven that you brought reserve energy.

"Ghosts and Goblins"

Already the game was an unholy terror for my younger self. The music was spooky and enemies consisted of zombies, birds flying at you from every which way, and a number of projectile-spewing demon things from which there was (almost no) escape. And then when you died, your on-screen body morphed immediately into a skeleton.

Of course, the very worst part of this game, the aspect that lent the greatest challenge, was that the knight you controlled could only stand to be hit twice before his untimely demise. First hit just knocked your armor clean off your body, but it was the second hit that served as Arthur’s (the knight’s official name) a coup de grâce. Not possessing the best motor skills or reaction speeds, my younger self led the noble Arthur to his death over and over again. My palms are getting anxiously sweaty just thinking about, and I haven’t even played the game in three decades…ish.

"Contra"

Speaking of a game’s protagonist not being able to take a hit, it’s high time I mention "Contra," a side-scrolling action game in which the no doubt Arnold Schwarzenegger inspired heroes died after a single hit. A single hit. That was all it took, just a simple moment of contact from anything not the plain ground or a power-up. Talk about a crock of shitake mushrooms!

And I know some keyboard cowboys out there are criticizing me for being such a weak game player. However, I know not a single person, at least not personally, that has beaten the damn game without the use of the Konami Code. Some will claim to have finished the game without it, but I call shenanigans on them all.

"Super Empire Strikes Back"

A Star Wars game? Check! On the Super Nintendo Entertainment System? Yes, please! That was at a point in my formative years during which I’d eat anything labeled Star Wars right up, so the game didn’t have to try hard to earn my cold, hard allowance.

As much as the game succeeded, however, it failed spectacularly. Controlling characters was awkward. Individual levels lasted longer the films themselves. Dying at any point in the level cast you all the way back to the very beginning of the stage. This remarkably notable absence of anything akin to a checkpoint wouldn’t have been so bad had the levels not been video gaming marathons unto themselves.

"Mega Man"

"Mega Man" is without a doubt one of the most recognizable franchises in video gaming history. He’s right up there with Mario, Sonic, and a whole pantheon of early gaming deities. The game added incredible depth to side-scrolling games by affording gamers a choice as to what order stages would be attempted. One of its cooler innovations involved utilizing the abilities of defeated enemies. Mega Man truly was a redefining game that set the bar high for the future.

Unfortunately, it lacked the password feature its successive installments possessed, forcing you to start the game from square one far too often for my liking. Gameplay, while fun, was unforgiving. Jumping puzzles, involving disappearing and reappearing blocks, were god awful Greek tragedies. And let’s not forget one of the series’ most infuriating enemies: the Yellow Devil

This big yellow demon would break into parts that would fly across an already too small room in single parts. This process forced you to stay on your toes, jumping with just the right timing and height to avoid his bodily missiles. Although not that difficult, there is no margin. For nearly two minutes of gaming hell, my thumbs handled that controller – sweatily – with a dexterity that would impress a concert pianist.

"Battletoads"

Ask a gamer what they think of "Battletoads," and their response is likely to be along the lines of “F**k 'Battletoads'.” Ask them why they say that, and their response is surely going to refer to the speeder-bike level. And I’d agree with them. That speeder-bike level can take a flying leap off a cliff, for all I care.

What makes that level so difficult? There’s absolutely no room for error. None. The insane speed at which the level zips from right to left forces you simple to react rather than respond, and even that is a near impossibility unless you have the stage practically memorized.

Yes, I have beaten the game. Yes, the entire game was challenging, but I don’t recall the rest of the game with the same crystal-clear accuracy. Forget that level.

"Mike Tyson’s Punch Out"

There were "Punch Out" games released for the NES, but it’s the former of the two I’ve played. It was an epically fun game to start with, but Mike Tyson lending his likeness to the cover art and the game itself was a pretty big deal. Iron Mike’s involvement sort of legitimized the entire existence of the console, in a hyperbolic manner of speaking.

Gameplay itself was great, much of it an exercise in muscle memory and response versus any intelligent strategy. That was pretty much it. Learn patterns and be ready to react quickly. It became so mechanical that Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is still, to this day, a game I play to relax. That’s only if I commit to not fighting Mike Tyson.

Iron Mike was a beast in real life and a beast in the game. Against Tyson, your boxer’s punches barely measured up to a stiff breeze, so the game wasn’t about how hard or how often you could punch the then champ. With almost Jedi-like precision and instinct you had to dodge the freight trains that were Mike’s fists. The opportunities to strike back were few and far between.

To date, I’ve only dropped Tyson maybe a dozen times. And when I do beat him, I feel only a weak sense of accomplishment. Nay, beating him is, at least how I perceive it, pure luck. In fact, the stress that takes hold when I fight him isn’t worth the satisfaction of beating him, but that’s just me.

What about you? Do any of these jog some memories? Any games affect you similarly? Will you make an argument that my gamer status is weak?