Dear Finals Week Professors,
WHY?! Why do you insist on giving us—your amazingly talented, smart students-- one last week of literal hell? I just don't understand. Is it humorous to watch us come to class dressed in our PJ's with numerous food stains on them, due to our lack of sleep and anxiety? Us students are genuinely curious. Don't get me wrong; there are always a few professors who still have somewhat of a soul left, and allow us to be exempt from the final if we managed to do well throughout the semester. God bless those teachers, you truly are angels. But to the rest of them, let me give you a little piece of my mind.
Finals week is just wrong on every level. First off, what part of giving students one last exam sounds like a good idea, for anyone? All you're going to be left with in the end is about 100 more papers or tests to grade. Is that really what you want? I doubt it. Wouldn't you rather just call it the end and throw one of those pizza parties we always used to have back in the good 'ol days? Sounds better to me. I'll even provide the pizza.
Since we're on the topic of pizza, let's be honest, finals and food both start with an “f" coincidence? I think not. Teachers who give final exams are giving us the means to eat whatever is in sight, due to massive amounts of stress put on our bodies. Are you trying to make us fat? Do you not understand that obesity one of the deadliest diseases in the U.S.? Professors, you could save the world just by canceling one exam at a time! It's that simple. Wouldn't you rather be a hero than to forever be known as the teacher that we tell our kids about, because you had no mercy? Didn't think so.
Stress is bad, very bad. Do you know what gives students the most stress of all? Cumulative exams. Let's be real, most of the exams prior to the final were accomplished through the power of memorization. Trying to go back and memorize and entire semester's worth of a class is basically impossible. What baffles me even more is when professors decide that the cumulative final exam is going to be worth over 50% of your grade, say WHAT?! You are pretty much setting us up for failure with that one. It means that all of our hard work and good grades on that past few exams mean nothing if we do less than amazing on the final. That is madness.
Believe me, I get it: education is and always will be important. But what's more important than that insanely impossible final exam? Karma, and karma is real. She knows when you are tricking your students with sneaky tad-bits of the chapter that they have never seen before, and she will come for you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually she will catch up to you. Keep that in mind.
Sincerely,
Your stressed out students
P.S. Please don't fail me for this letter!
