Some days are harder than others.
It seems that I go through a cycle of being overjoyed that eventually fades off into an overwhelming sadness. It doesn't leave my presence for months. Every year, as soon as the humidity of summer turns into a bitter cold, my mind changes the same. I can't tell you why. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I couldn't be normal.
I've got everything going for me. I've got a decent job for a college student. I have a loving boyfriend, family, and a select amount of friends. I am loved, I know that. I've got a brand new, beautiful car. I have the ability to go to school. I wake up every morning and nothing is holding me back. So why am I sad? Why does this feeling plague me from living up to my full potential?
I wish I didn't have to feel this way. I hate the fact that I look like a whiny, entitled millennial from any outsider that reads this post.
The constant feeling that I do not have a purpose, that everything I've done so far has been for nothing, or the thought that I'm not worthy of a better life; I can't understand it. Deep down I know that these things aren't true, but I have yet to fully convince myself.
A constant state of anxiety leaves me questioning whether or not I made the right decision towards my education. I love writing, I love my professors, I love learning- but I can't ever see myself working as a journalist. Everyone around me is practical- wanting to work in medical or technology. They seem to have it all figured out, but I think they are just as confused as me. Sometimes I wish I would have pursued something else. Something that wouldn't make people roll their eyes or flash a fake smile when I tell them my major. But I'm not living for anyone else, so that thought seems senseless.
I know so many people have it worse than me. I know that to an outsider, I have no reason to complain. But, I can't control my feelings. I can't control this constant cloud that hangs on me every day. I try my best to be positive, uplifting, and inspiring to others. I try to find joy in making other people smile. But how am I going to keep doing that if I can't even make myself smile?
I wish I had a hobby that would take my mind off of things, but I can't find anything that interests me. I don't have anything that I can call "mine". Some people love reading, drawing, working out. I can't find interest in anything. It all seems so exhausting. I'm trying so hard not to feel like life around me is a chore, but it is sometimes. I will not deny how I feel.
I guess to certain people I'd seem like a let down, or a negative Nancy, or a drag. That's fine. Just know that I don't like being this way either. I'm trying, I promise.
To anyone that has been affected by my demeanor- I'm sorry. Please don't give up on supporting me. I need you, now more than ever, to try and understand that I'm just as frustrated as you.
I will not stop trying.