What the hell am I doing here? This is a question that often rings loud in my head whether it be in my Chem116 class, where I am surrounded by Purdue’s brightest students (who actually like chemistry), a function between my sorority house and another fraternity, where everyone is silly drunk and sweaty when I would much rather be at home in my pajamas, or at night when I am lying in bed, absolutely exhausted from life. Coming into college, I had a plan. Correction, I had THE plan. I left my hometown to escape, what I considered to be the worst year of my life, and gain this new level of freedom and independence that I had dreamed of for years and was going to go to Purdue University to thrive. I was going to join a sorority and meet my best friends through Greek life, fly through classes despite the many warnings I had coming into Purdue, find a wonderful church ministry, and I was going to absolutely thrive despite the absolute hell hole that was my senior year of high school. I was determined to make it different and I was determined to succeed.
Little did I know though, that Purdue, and God, had an entirely different plan for me. My big plan, that I had spent weeks just dreaming and perfecting, crumbled quicker than I could catch them. My grades sucked (okay, not that bad but coming from straight A’s to A’s and C’s is absolutely awful) and I quickly began to lose the confidence in my academic ability to survive classes that I had always prided myself on. To be honest, this semester is currently killing me and it has made me question a lot, and a couple weeks ago it honestly made me crumble and question everything. At my breaking point, I couldn’t help but ask who am I as well as who do I want to be?
The things that I love most, tore me down. My sorority house was a place I avoided for weeks, church became a place I felt shameful to go into, school had me drowning and when I could breathe, I found myself at parties trying to forget the stress of the week. It was so hard because I couldn’t balance it. I hold a place in a part in three of the biggest conflicting groups: in Greek life, in a STEM based major, and a Christian, and plenty of people make that known to me. After being pulled in 7,000 different ways, constantly being questioned, and honestly feeling quite hopeless, I finally found myself at my campus church’s women’s retreat. The theme was rooted, asking us what we were rooted in. From a Christian stand point, this asks if you are being rooted in Earthly things and forgetting to give glory to the One who makes it all possibly and from a non-Christian stand point, this asks if you are rooting yourself in things that cause you stress and sickness? Sitting quietly, beside one of my sweet sorority sisters who fearlessly went with me, I asked myself, what am I rooted in? Thinking about my time at Purdue, I could see several distinct moments of myself being rooted in different things. When I was rooted in school, I found myself reclusive and unresponsive, saying no to going out or anything semi fun. Every poor grade was an inch taken off of my confidence, while every A was a fleeting moment of glory. After that though, the same exhausting process started over with the same feeling of stress and emptiness. When I was rooted in my sorority, I focused mainly on being the best at every philanthropy, being at every meeting, applying for various things, and going out to be socially successful every chance I could get. At the end of the day though, I would go without praise and often wake up with a headache.
In college, I have learned it is so hard to hold true to who you are. I came in so passionate about all three of those categories, but a few weeks ago I was ready to quit them all. Why? Because I forgot why I loved each of them and I forgot to take time to remember that everything that has happened to me was enabled by God. I was trying so hard to please everyone else and it left me empty, when really I should’ve been praising God for my fulfillment. Looking back on this past month, stress and all, I think a good reality check, no matter what you believe, is to ask yourself what you are rooted in. I was trying so hard to be rooted in everything for the wrong reasons and for the wrong people. I absolutely think it is okay to be passionate about many things and deeply invested in activities, but when they consume you and drag you down, it takes away anything beneficial from them.
After coming to this conclusion, I also realized that in 10, 15, 20 years from now, none of it will matter. Purdue will not remember my name, the fraternities will not remember what girl looked the best one random Saturday, and my professor will never know my name in my class of 500 students regardless of my grade. Years from now, I don’t care to be remembered for how I dressed or how hard I studied, I want to be remembered for my love for people and passion about the things I am rooted in. I want to be remembered as the hardworking nerd who can also have fun, I want to be remembered as the girl who always had faith, no matter how dull the outcome looked, and I want to be remembered as the girl who tried her hardest at everything thrown her way. Coming into college, I had the plan, but maybe, after all this time, that really isn’t my plan, and after all this time, I think I am okay with that.
