In my last article, I spent some time talking about what believers should be considering when they are looking at someone as a potential husband or wife. I had given three general categories that I think can be helpful such as; essentials, preferences and chemistry/connectivity-enhancing activities and attractions. Today I will spend some time on the essentials.

I had suggested that we think of the following examples for what would be considered as necessary or non-negotiables for a Christian to look for: (1) Christian worldview, (2) cares about virtue/character, (3) knows themselves, and (4) value themselves and others as modeled by Christ. Before I shed some further thoughts on these things, let me quickly clarify that I am not talking about a person who manifests these things perfectly or who has no shortcomings. That is an obvious absurdity.

Even though there is not a direct command in Scripture that forbids a believer from marrying an unbeliever, I think it to be very unwise for a few reasons. First and foremost, God ought to be at the forefront of your vision of life as far as how you should live. That is, Christ plays a central role that guides your way of living. He is your Creator, Sustainer and most importantly Redeemer.

So as a believer, you should naturally believe that a Creator God exists in 3 persons, has revealed the moral law in the Bible and the natural order, has revealed Himself in Jesus Christ who died and was resurrected for our sins, is coming again to judge mankind, and whose Spirit indwells in every believer and guides them daily to live in accordance with what Scripture teaches and who Christ is.

That, in a nutshell, is what the Christian worldview teaches. The Judeo-Christian God plays a central role in your vision of life. If someone does not share that central part of your vision of life, then they cannot legitimately partner with you. Two men who start a business must have a shared vision of what their business will look like. The same goes for anyone that starts a school, hospital, church, and so on. People that work together will obviously have differences. But they will have a commonly shared vision down to the very core of what they are trying to accomplish. It is no different from living life that is guided by a knowledge and love for Christ.

Virtues are good character traits in a person. Kindness, compassion, integrity, wisdom, love for truth & knowledge, humility, charitability, carefulness, discernment, faith, and love – just to name a few – are good character traits that every believer should strive to embody in his or her life. In applying this to relationships, consider the following questions:

Is he/she quick to dismiss a view without giving it a fair hearing? Is he/she willing to hear you out and fairly ask questions in a non-condescending way? How does he/she go about disagreeing with you and his/her friends and family over controversial issues? Does he/she have a love for learning? Does he/she show compassion to the elderly and children? How does he treat his mother? How does she treat her siblings? Is he/she transparent and vulnerable about matters of life that can cause struggles in his/her faith? How does he/she respond to you when you talk about something you struggle with?

I could go on and on but I think you can see that these are questions that apply to what I have just listed. Striving to have good character traits is not optional for a believer. It is not a matter of who likes good character vs bad character. These are not preferences. These impact your ability to flourish as God designed you to function, your relationships with your family and friends, and most importantly God.

It is also important that you seek to know yourself well. This means that you have close to a deep understanding of how your mind, emotions, desires, choices, beliefs, and attitudes work together and affect how you live life. Are you aware of your flaws as well as your strengths?

Are you able to tell the difference between false humility and genuine humility? What causes you to react to certain things you hear from the news or what other people say? Do you understand how what you believe influences how you live each day? Do you know what parts of the Bible are difficult to swallow and why? Do you know why you might react aggressively internally when you hear certain Christianese phrases that just annoy you?

And lastly, how do you value yourself and others? Do you treat your body as a mere instrument that serves only to satisfy your pleasurable desires that may or may not be immoral? Men, do you instrumentalize women in treating them as objects to give you sexual pleasure outside the context of a committed relationship?

Women, do you get too caught up in your own needs and forget his needs? Do you recognize and affirm your own beauty? What motivates you to work out and get in shape? Do you exercise to maximally express the beauty God has instilled in you through your body? Or do you do it to achieve a certain level of self-worth?

All these questions matter. Before I close, here are some Scripture passages that I think help to capture what I have said so far. Next time I will talk about preferences and standards!

2 Peter 1:3-11

Romans 12:1,2

Matthew 22:30

Proverbs 3:13