Her words became scattered, her thoughts in a complete jumble. Her body hung without a soul. She was only consciously there at times. The times that left her begging for the escape of the sheltered roof made from love to get back to the streets where her fix was easy and her life laid open with a new experience, a new thrill, and a new danger ahead. It was unstoppable, it was unpredictable and it was beyond painful. The addiction grabbed hold of her, and before she could realize there was no escape, it was too late. She had become a victim. A victim to a disease that I knew all too well.
A disease that was no longer a stranger. The idea of it made my stomach curl, my eyes water, and allowed for the overwhelming thought of losing that one. This devil had grasped hold of too many, the genetics were haunting us. I feared the thought of the next one, the next loved one, being wrapped up by the poison of the streets. I became anxious of who I would be losing over time, would it be my closest friends or a relative. It became apparent that this disease was no longer just wrapping its evil in the lives of the users, it was plucking pieces away from the ones who stood in misery watching the deterioration of their loved one.
We begin to miss the one who was standing in the same room as us. We begin to become numb to the pain they inflict on us. We came to the stage where we hated them to then realize we love them more than we could have ever imagined. We want to do anything for them. We want to hold them tight to hold them back from the poison they long for. We become blank to the reality of the addiction and we find ourselves falling deeper and deeper into another disease; depression. We try to escape the reality that haunts us, but it never seems to leave. Time after time we become reminded of the situation; another hospital visit, another runaway, or another overdose.
Time after time we had to remind ourselves that this was out of our control. It seemed this was the hardest part of all to understand; there is truly not much you can do for an addict. The endless times of sending our loved ones off to rehab will leave you in farther in despair when their clean only lasts a few days. The addiction has control of them, not us. We will come to a conclusion that the user will be clean and will be free of the enemy once they want to, it is out of our hands. As far as it might be out of our hands, we will always be here for you. We will be here to hold your hand when you need it and to realize we need to take a step back before we push you farther away. We will always miss you while you’re gone, but we will be here with open arms to catch you because we love you.
The life of watching a loved one go through pain that you would never wish on someone seems endless. We live in a society where we see addiction as a choice, we have too many who turn their heads at the ones the loved because “it was their choice to stick another needle in their arm.” This society of ignorance will continue for the addiction to spread to a new level, where it becomes more than just an addiction, it becomes lives. Embrace the knowledge we are handed, take what we have learned and apply it. It was not their choice, it is not their choice to get their fix again, make it your choice to realize it is more.