Anxiety happens when we try to take control of things in our lives. Lately, I have been overwhelmed with anxiety, and it is only because I have not been trusting God with my life. I have noticed myself worrying about things that are completely out of my control, or just irrational. I have a few rather irrational fears that came with losing my dad at a young age, and those fears always end up flooding my life with anxiety. I have been working on trusting God lately, with everything.
Not just some things, but EVERYTHING.
It is often times scary when we don't understand what God is doing or why He is doing it. Something popped up on my phone today and it said: "You will stay where you are until you learn the lesson God wants you to learn on the level he has you." This little message really stuck with me and made me think. God has me in this "level" of my life where I am facing an ample amount of anxiety and fear. I don't know what He is trying to teach me from this, but if I could take one guess, it would be that God wants me to put my full trust in Him. He is showing me what life is like without Him in it.
A life without God is one of fear, and a life with God is one of peace.
It took me three anxiety attacks to realize that I needed to make a change in the way I am living. I had two attacks last week which led me to go home, and one just last night. They are no fun and come out of nowhere. Last night, the last thing I remember was putting some soup on the stove for my roommate and then sitting on the couch and just breaking down. I was trying to figure out where it was all stemming from but I just assumed lack of sleep and working a lot.
Last night we had community group so once my roommate got home and ate dinner we got in the car to head over. At this point, things had not gotten really bad yet, but when we got to the apartment I was talking to my mom on the phone, and crying a lot. There were a lot of uncontrollable tears that I had been holding in for God only knows how long. My roommate is an amazing friend and she sat in the car with me for a good 20 minutes as I finished up my conversation with my mom and slowly stopped crying.
At that point, I was just considering sitting in the car the whole time while she was in community group. I did not want to go in looking like I did. I ended up going in with her and once we broke into our small groups, I opened up to the girls in my group. One girl looked over and asked me if I was OK, and I shook my head as I mumbled: "no not really." I was able to tell them what was going on, and one of the other girls and my small group leader said a prayer for me which was really sweet and helped me feel a little better.
Anxiety is honestly a trap, but it is not something I want consuming my life.
I am so thankful for the group of girls I have in my life that help me through whatever I am facing. Without them, I would not know what to do. The best cure for anxiety is just opening up the Bible and talking to the Lord. My roommate has been encouraging me to pray and keep praying so it is something that I am working at, and that will get me one step closer to feeling the peace that only the Lord can provide.
