Though this title alludes to my "The Invisible Chronic Illness" that previously received over 100 shares from caring, curious readers, this piece, you will find, differs. Chronic pain, as written about in a past piece, is continuous and very difficult to rid yourself of. I reflected on my on-going journey with chronic illness, focusing on my nerve condition: Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) in my left knee. Getting the word out really allowed people to put themselves in my shoes, as best they could, and not feel my pain but understand spirals of pain, sadness, and loss. I welcome you back, hoping that this piece on my chronic back pain will give you realizations and answers that I've been looking for and receiving lately.
Seventh grade began my RSD and chronic pain journey, flared up until my junior year in high school. Just like the RSD, my back began shortly after this time and I also didn't know where it came from or why me. Every seven years, it's been said that your weight shifts- boobs to waist, waist to butt, etc. For me, pain shifts and I find myself in the vicious cycle again and all I want is out. Acupuncture, regular chiropractor visits, doctor visits, MRIs, ultra sounds, so far leading to the continuation of the one thing I want rid of so badly. I could say that I've found myself in this very abusive relationship with pain and when you're in something abusive, your biggest struggle (as said by those in such dynamics) is escaping. I unfortunately agree, though my relationship isn't with a person, it is physical and abusive and heartbreaking; the waking up, the daily task of putting on leggings, unstrapping my back brace to use a rest room. Many try patching the relationships, blaming themselves and putting band-aids over their issues. I find myself trying to do the same.
I drag through the day, despite sporadic higher points where laughter and interest distracts me from the constant abusive I receive from my body in various forms. My body abused me for years with my RSD, with my celiac, with my antibodies for autoimmune, and now with my back pain. I wonder how it sounds to people when I ask them to help me, get me out of pain. I realize, as someone being abused by their body, I'm very open and maybe discuss it too much- not everyone cares about the pain I experience and they probably get sick of me talking; I know speaking about it doesn't help but I feel unable to lie- wanting answers and for someone to follow me through all of this. Excluding family, I have not had any single person present for both my chronic illness journeys because I "was faking" or have "become boring" etc. It's hard lacking stability and of course I'm thankful for the ones that check in on me now and then but I need something just as, or more, continuous as the pain.
Strugglers with abuse never know why this happens to them and yeah, I've asked myself that a million times between my knee, my back, and my genuine lack of luck. It's hard to pretend it doesn't exist or bother me because it's always there, as much as I wish I could push it away for a few hours, it's impossible. There is thanks for the family members that have stuck with me and there are unsettling feelings for those that decided to quit on me, which many have. No one needs to struggle alone. Take the New Year and resolve to love an abused or pained person; we need it sometimes.
