I wake to the strident sound of my alarm. Weird, I think. I always sleep in on Sundays. While I struggle to remember why in the world I would have set my alarm, I look around my room. It's in its usual messy state, which has never bothered me. In this moment, however, I feel a strong compulsion to clean it. I try very hard to ignore it, as I've never had any desire to clean anything in my life, but my resistance is only making the compulsion more powerful. Suddenly, without even making the conscious decision to do so, I'm out of bed and picking up dirty clothes, making my bed, throwing away trash, and brushing the dust off my shelves. Before I know it, my room is spotless, and it's only 9 a.m. I wouldn't have even been awake by this time on a normal day, let alone cleaning my room. I look around at the tidiness with my hands on my hips and a satisfied smile on my face. I give a short nod, much like the one I imagine God gave after Creation was over. What is happening? Why do I feel so good about this? I feel my forehead to see if I have a fever. I check the lunar cycle to see if there is a full moon tonight. Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary, except for my disgusting new healthy mindset and productive behaviors.
I walk downstairs, unsure of what today is going to bring, as I don't have any plans. Usually a free day like this calls for some couch sitting, Food Network watching, and responsibility avoiding. I get in the squat position to sit down on the couch, but I get stuck. Before I'm even aware of what is happening, I'm doing bodyweight squats like they're nothing. Then I'm on the ground doing pushups (and not the knee ones). Then I'm doing crunches. Then I grab some dumbbells that seem to have solidified from thin air. Since when have we owned dumbbells? And since when have I ever worked out without huffing and puffing and complaining every five minutes? The worst part? I get up afterwards to make a salad with...with *shudders* kale. I like salads, but kale? This is just getting out of hand.
Who have I become? I ask myself. I frantically wrack my brain for a memory of what could have happened to me in the past day that has made me an energetic, motivated clean freak. My train of thought makes an abrupt, screeching halt when I notice the date on the calendar (who am I kidding, the only way I know the date is by looking at my phone because I'm a lazy, entitled millennial who probably doesn't even know what calendars or books or analog clocks are).
It's January 1st, 2017: the first day of the new year.
Things are starting to become more clear. I run to my room, where I have a bulletin board that I often use to pin up to-do lists that often do not get finished. I previously had decided to use it to pin up my New Year's resolution. Sure enough, right in the middle of the board is a bright pink piece of paper. As I trace the words with my eyes carefully and disbelievingly, my breath is caught in my throat. I run to the bathroom, and my heart nearly stops. I'm looking in the mirror, but the reflection looking back at me is definitely not me. The bags under my eyes are gone, I've got beautiful tanned skin, muscular arms, bright white teeth, not a pimple in sight, and my hair does not look like it's been combed with a chainsaw. I look like a go-getter who is anything but lazy and who just has it all figured out.
What were the words written on the pink piece of paper, you ask?
"NEW YEAR, NEW ME."
WHY? WHY DID I HAVE TO SUCCUMB TO RECITING SUCH A STEREOTYPICAL AND VAGUE PHRASE AS THE BASIS FOR WANTING TO CHANGE WHEN I REALLY DO NOT HAVE THE INTEREST OR DRIVE TO CHANGE? I ask myself as I'm near tears. I suppose I never really thought I would become a "new me," so it was a safe resolution to make because I would be able to claim I've become better and new after making miniscule, ordinary changes such as drinking another glass of water each day or putting one spinach leaf in my strawberry smoothie. I'm not cut out to be a responsible, neat, active teen for a whole year! I mean, I'm a millennial, after all!
A word of advice for anyone making resolutions? Be careful what you wish for. You may just end up like me: a girl being forced against her will to keep up good habits in the new year when all she wants to do is literally nothing.
