I've been looking forward to this semester since before last semester was even over. I was excited to be a sophomore, have my own bedroom and bathroom, for some of my best friends to come back from a semester abroad, to see a lot more theatre, and more.

The thing I was I most excited about was that I was supposed to stage manage some plays in a new works festival that included plays written by high school students and co-produced by Philadelphia Young Playwrights.

In early July, after walking around in pain for a few months because I dropped a folding table on it, I discovered that I had a broken bone in my foot. When this happened, I didn't think very much about it. I thought that I would be mostly healed, if not fully healed, by the time school started. I even thought we caught it at a relatively good time because I could use the rest of the summer to rest up and be ready to start school almost full force.

Unfortunately, as of last week, my foot hasn't really healed yet. My doctors want me to be in a cast and completely non-weight bearing, but right now, the logistics of doing that and living mostly alone on a very urban college campus in the middle of Philadelphia makes that very difficult.

So for now, I am still in a walking boot, but I was advised to stay off of my foot as much as I possibly can until we figure out the next steps.

This meant that I had to really think about my commitment to stage managing this semester and see if it was still a good idea. After talking about it with my doctor and some of the people closest to me, I decided that it was probably not the best thing to do.

Before making any final decisions, I thought it would be best to sit down and have a meeting with the professor who is head of stage management in our department to see what his thoughts were on the situation.

Going into the meeting, I was really nervous. I get really intimidated when talking to authority figures that I look up to (even when I have no reason to, like in this case), plus I was not-so secretly hoping that we could find a way for me to still stage manage.

Thinking back, I was definitely in denial over the fact that there was a strong possibility that I could not work on this show.

After explaining my situation to my professor, together we made the decision that it was best for me to sit the show out so that I can just chill and let myself get better. We also came up with a few plans for how the rest of my semester/year in terms of stage management can go depending on how fast my fracture heals.

To say I was and am still upset would be understatement.

I'm disappointed that I can't work on something that I was so excited to be a part of, something I worked so hard to be part of. I'm frustrated that I can't work on a show in general, as this is one of the longest gaps I'll be going without being part of one since I started doing theatre seven years ago.

This feels so much different than being told you didn't get a position on or a part in a show, and for me, it hurts a lot more. I love my art more than anything else, and I thrive when I am putting in the work to make it.

Part of me is also scared by this decision. A fracture isn't the end of the world. I know that my foot will eventually heal. But for now, I'm on the sidelines, and that is a scary place for me.

I've been dealt a lot of shitty cards in my personal life during the past few years, and theatre has been my anchor, what helps me push through. As I still struggle with my mental health, theatre is the thing that keeps me going.

I've noticed that in the past, I found myself struggling the most when I'm not involved in so much, and that so much has always been theatre. I think part of it is because I immersed myself so deep in my art that I didn't allow myself to deal with all of the things that were happening and take care of myself.

I also just find so much joy in what I do and I am almost always pouring myself into it. It makes me feel out of control when I'm not doing theatre. I don't know who I am without it, and I don't know how to cope or function without it. Being completely honest, just the thought of that is terrifying.

Despite how terrible this situation is, I am ultimately trying to find the good in it. Sitting this show out will save me tons of running around, which will help me stay off of my feet more. I can focus more on improving my physical health. I am taking 17 credits this semester with two extremely reading heavy classes, so I will have more time to concentrate on them since I won't have rehearsal almost every day for now. I also won't be getting home at 10:30, so I can actually go to bed at that time like I used to do.

Having all of this time gives me a chance to work on my mental health as well. I can work on learning the tools I need to cope with all of the things I've been dealing with since I was 11 and not use theatre as a way to avoid my feelings, but possibly as tool to help process them.

I hope that people reading this don't think that I am trying to be over-dramatic or attention seeking, because I am not. I'm just trying to open, honest, and vulnerable. Like I said before, I've been thrown a lot of curve balls in my life for someone my age. I learned the lesson, "Expect the unexpected," pretty early on in my life, but that doesn't make my feelings of disappointment, frustration, and fear any less valid.

The best thing I can do for myself is try to make the best of a crappy situation, and hopefully soon enough, I'll find myself on the other side physically and mentally stronger than I've ever been before.