Yes, I am 18-years-old (I just turned 18 and a half, actually) and I have never had a boyfriend.
Many people gawk, gasp, wonder how anybody could inhabit this earth for 18 and a half years and never have had any type of intimacy. There is such a negative stigma attached to single girls. We are misandrists who believe that we are too independent and strong for a man. We are prudes who are disgusted by love.
We have some sort of defect whether it is in appearance or personality or reputation. Believe me, I pick myself apart often. I wonder why nothing has ever worked out for me and how I have gone this long without anybody. Until our times come, here are ten things people need to stop saying to those of us who have been lifelong single ladies.
1. REALLY?? YOU HAVEN'T???
No, I haven't. I find it a shame that our culture has placed such an emphasis on relationships and dating that you become such an anomaly if you haven't dated by 18. None of us are aliens. We just are waiting for our time to come. But this emphatic shock suggests that we are inherently weirder because we never had a "bae."
2. You are probably just closed off to it.
I'm not. Over a span of many years, there have been boys I've liked but I have usually been afraid to demonstrate how I feel because of my crippling fear of rejection. This challenge is more difficult in college. Here I am submerged in a sea of new faces at one of the largest universities in the country. This sense of unfamiliarity makes it scarier to admit I feel a certain way. I suppress these types of feelings to the point where people may not know I have them.
3. Are you a prude?
No. Am I picky with guys? Yes. In other words, I am not willing to show affection for any random guy. I don't want my first kiss to be with a stranger. I don't want my first boyfriend to be a jerk. Maybe my level of skepticism has made it more challenging to find somebody but I am not grossed out by intimacy alone.
4. Get a Tinder.
This idea is a viable solution for many people. However, recommending Tinder does have implications that we need a dating app because we will never find anybody naturally. It also suggests that we need to use any means necessary to find a boyfriend if we want fulfillment in life. In other words, we can use Tinder if we want but telling us to get one does have these undertones about our celibacy.
5. Have you at least hooked up?
Also no. It is unfortunate that our dating culture has evolved into a hookup culture. In other words, the intimacy precedes the process of getting to know the person. Regardless of what our culture has become, I am still a firm believer in establishing the bond with the person first. What is the purpose of showing affection if you don't know who is receiving it?
6. That's ok. I've only been in [insert number here] relationships.
I understand that many people make statements like this to try to sound reassuring. However, my situation is unusual because I have never been in a relationship ever. I was never even close either. There is no competition for who has been in the most relationships so I would prefer not to know your dating history.
7. If you were more [insert adjective here] you might find somebody.
Ok, no. None of us should feel we have to change any part of ourselves to have a relationship. Whether you suggest we should adjust our appearance or our personality, it isn't going to happen. I would much rather have somebody hate me for who I really am than love me for a person I'm pretending to be. I'm sure I can speak for many people with that statement.
8. Are you in the closet?
No, I'm not. It is a shame that despite all the progress we have made in terms of accepting LGBTQ lifestyles, we still think that single girls are closeted lesbians. Lesbians are simply girls who date other girls. Single girls are girls who aren't dating anybody, boys or girls. There is not necessarily a correlation between the two.
9. I'm sorry to hear that.
My relationship status is not a tragedy. Sure, I would like to know how it feels to have a boyfriend and I still wonder why it hasn't happened but I don't want to think it's sad. I've survived for all of these years as a single girl, a girl who did not devote all of her energy to finding a boyfriend or feel she was "lonely." It is only now that I've realized how long I've lasted without one.
10. Boys suck anyway.
I refuse to denounce an entire gender just because I haven't been intimate with any of its members. Boys can make great friends and have many wonderful qualities. Us single ladies cannot just dismiss all guys because we haven't dated any of them. We need to keep our eyes and minds open if we want any type of relationship. Our time will come.
