Anxiety and me. Me and anxiety. However you wanna phrase it, anxiety is something I've had all my life and it's important to me that you know some things about not only the anxiety but me as well.
1. It makes sleeping hard.
I value sleep more than I value my family, my friends, my passions, and my happiness. Sleep is key. Since I was little, I've always been a good sleeper. I need 10+ hours a night and work extremely hard in making sure I get it. I am not kidding, I used to go to bed at 9 p.m. in high school. I had friends going to get ice cream and eat dinner while I was straight up passed out. The thing about me though is that I am not a consistent sleeper. So yes, in high school, I'd go to bed at 9. However, I had been in bed since 8. Or now, I get in bed at 10 or 11 and lay awake until 1 or 2, just thinking or feeling anxious about absolutely nothing or playing the day's events over and over again in my head. Whether I read a book, watch a movie, or meditate, I will likely sit eyes wide open wondering what it would be like to just close my eyes and fall asleep.
2. It causes me to overthink.
Overthinking is probably my biggest weakness. Overthinking an exam, a boy, a conversation, an outfit, what I had for dinner, you name it, I overthink it. Constant thoughts going on and on and on, never stopping. I guess I am so accustomed to my overthinking habits, I go about my life as if they are normal. Or as if everyone thinks about things on the levels I do. I wouldn't say this makes my life hard, just annoying at moments. However, I have had general anxiety disorder since I was seven and through the years have been able to discuss and explain why I act and think the way I do. I may not know how to stop it, but I am very good at acknowledging what it is that I am overthinking about. I am still working on the why though.
3. I care, a lot.
I am extremely caring and compassionate. My anxiety triggers this thing in me that makes me care about them deeply and still care about if I know I should not. Caring is similar to guilt in my opinion. Guilt is self-inflicted and to me, so is caring. No one forces you to care about people especially when they do not care for you back. However, I still care. It's not something I want to admit or even do, but I do. I really do. To the people who I care for and who care for me: thank you. You guys are the good ones. It's the people I waste my time and energy caring for and wondering about when I do not even cross their minds that truly suck. That's just my anxiety and me. My anxiety is me. It's not perfect, and either am I. I'd rather care too much than not care all.
4. It is not a weakness.
Anxiety, in general, is not a weakness. No one should ever think that. Some of the most amazing people in life have anxiety. Me... duh. No, I am just kidding. But seriously, having a mental health condition is not a weakness. The battle not only makes you ten times stronger than you ever even knew you were, but it makes life that much more rewarding. I have never been one to mope or use my mental health as an excuse. It is the reason I am who I am. My tactics and habits are usually anxiety driven. Some of these things are good though. Nothing about who I am is a weakness and having a few things that make life hard due to anxiety isn't a weakness either. It is a MOTHER F***ING superpower.
5. It is a part of me.
The best part of me.
