This week's article is going to be different. A lot of change will happening soon. Before I get started on this "vent" or outlet, let me make several things clear: the issues I discuss below are things that no one could help but myself. I did not wish to talk about them with any close friend or family because I see no reason to. I believed that things were under control for a while, and even when I realized that they were not, I did not look for a means to solve issues. Instead I just bottled them up and ignored them. With a clouded mind I became lazy and ignorant of new issues arising out of this vicious cycle of bottling hatred and pain. This is no one's fault but my own and I take full responsibility for my actions. Like I have always said before, you can do your best to help teach someone a lesson in any situation through examples, but they will truly learn the best from their own actions. They will gain wisdom and true knowledge through experience. And that is what I seek to do starting now. What is written below is a series of sentences and phrases that represent my thought process and how I have handled myself recently. If you do continue to read, please be patient with my spastic writing.

I hurt you. I didn't respect your space. I thought selfishly. And ignored your warnings and now I may very well have ruined our friendship. I'm too insecure. I lie to myself and simply don't believe in myself. This is not mutual. I never return what you give me. There are too many areas that I lack in returning to you. Areas in respect, kindness, trust. Nothing. Because that's the kind of person I am. Because I have grown that way through hurt. Through rage. Through distrust. Because I believe that I should never trust anyone. Even my friends. Because I am sick. Paranoid that I will get hurt and driven down to such a low depressed state that things will get worse. I can't let this happen ever again. I need to change. I need to understand that you and I were not even in a similar mindset, I just felt that way and you didn't. Hell, maybe you did, and maybe you do. There are too many restraints in my head. A clouded mind filled with irrational thoughts. Thoughts that rule my actions. I am inexperienced and you are experienced. The only experience I have is filled with hurt or rage. Pessimistic thoughts producing paranoia. Where you shut down and think is where I shut down and become ignorant. Where my multiple perspectives from overthinking become multiple perspectives of twisted lies I tell myself to justify my actions.

When life allows for something true and kind come to me, I aggressively take it for granted. That is exactly what I have done to you. I always say that I wont and I say these things truly believing in them. I need to do more than simply believe in them. I need to act accordingly and learn to appreciate. I need to start returning everything I have taken for granted. I need to let this be mutual and become a healthy balanced relationship.

I need to know. No. Not know. I need to REALIZE that not everyone is going to hurt me. I need to change because who I am now is not who I was last year. This is not who I truly am. I am not a person who lets their emotions get the best of them. I am not a person who makes actions on irrational impulses. I need change. I need to change. Forgive. They who have hurt me before have moved on. I will confront these left over fears of being hurt and forgive those people. Move on from those small but harsh memories of the past. I need to break away from this pathetic cycle and actually grow up. Take responsibility for my actions. Learn from them like I have tonight. And not let this pain make me hurt others. Not let it push them away like I did you tonight.

I know sorry does not work. I am truly beginning to understand the reason why people say sorry. It's easy. A simple verbal phrase that allows you to not only fool yourself but worst of all, others. Forgiveness is not something that is just granted for every time someone says that silly little phrase. "I'm sorry." It is an excuse. Sorry will not work. Time and change will.

This revision of myself will not be quick. I need to reevaluate many principles and things in my life. It will take time revisiting my roots. It will take commitment. It will take many more revisions and self checks before I feel like me again. I am still growing and I have a lot more learning to do. I understand if you wish not to wait for me. If so, then I hope one day we will meet and be able to become good friends again. Better than before. I appreciate the patience and time that you have poured into this. I will not let this be the end, but a means to a new beginning, not just for myself but for you.