I have always been prone to lashing out. Whenever I feel threatened or questioned, I feel this need to become defensive even when I know it probably isn’t necessary. When this happens I can get mean and say things that I don’t mean and that I usually know that I’ll regret later. I don’t know why I’m like this and I’ve tried so long to change this about myself, but though I’ve improved, I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten better. I am so quick to end friendships and relationships at the first sight of trouble, and I feel myself constantly pushing people away.
The people who are closest to me know when to leave me alone and let me cool down and understand that I’m prone to overreactions. They know that I don’t mean to be this way and that I don’t always mean what I say. Even though they don’t have to, they love me enough to stick around and make me feel less crazy. I’ve grown to have such a solid base of friends that I rarely feel the need to expand my circle and it takes me so long to open up to new people.
This past year I was faced with the challenge of working and living with a whole new group of people. Knowing one of my coworkers previous to this experience, we stuck together and isolated ourselves from everyone else. I was content with this arrangement, but slowly as the semester continued I felt myself growing closer to the other members of the group. But though we became friendly, I didn’t allow myself to establish real friendships. Then about halfway through the semester, something changed.
There was a guy in our group who claimed to be able to read people better than they were able to read even themselves. What started as a casual dinner conversation, left me thinking for hours later. That night I knocked on his door and we sat in his dorm as he described me to myself. Without knowing me or having any particularly intimate conversations before hand he was able to determine many facts about my life, strictly through observing my behavior. And though he said a lot of things to me that night that impacted me, the thing that stuck out to me the most was the reason I feel the need to shut people out.
“You have your walls up and I’m not really sure if it’s because you’re scared of getting hurt, or if you’re scared of hurting other people.”
I always thought that the reason for pushing people away was due to the fear of getting let down again. And though I know that that is true to a certain extent, I never thought of it being the other way around. I know that I can be mean and I know that I can be cruel and I’m so scared that people will think these things of me. So I keep them away so that they can’t let me down and I can’t let them down either. I want them to keep an outside perspective of me, to think I’m quiet and sweet for as long as possible. Because then I’ll never feel the need to lash out, I’ll never feel the need to grow defensive. I’ll never get upset and I’ll never hurt them if I never grow close enough for them to hurt me.
And that’s no way to live. I see that now. I can’t live my life with my walls up. One of the greatest things about life is the people. Places and things are wonderful but without people, life is dull. I am happy with the people currently in my life, but I don’t want to limit myself to my small circle. I want to open myself to growth and in order to do that, I need to do what scares me.
I don’t think that guy meant to change my life. I don’t think he knew the impact that he was having on me and I don’t even think he remembers the exchange that we had at all, but the fact is he opened my eyes. That one moment, that one sentence made me want to be better. It made me want to be braver and it made me feel the need to open myself up. I am not a bad person, and although I lose control of my mouth sometimes, I am getting better. I shouldn’t be scared that my downfalls will scare away others without giving them the chance to decide for themselves. I am not perfect, but I’m getting better, and isn’t that enough?
