I seem to be apologizing a lot lately for my awkwardness when dealing with the outside world. I spend so much time shut in at home with my head in the oven (not in the Sylvia Plath way I assure you) that when it's time to come out, I often don't know how to act like a regular person. This is what my friends tell me all the time.
I think I'm so irregular that I barely even notice my own strangeness anymore. This week, I'm apologizing to Odyssey itself for having taken so long to join and contribute my own writing. Whatever did they do without my sugar induced rambling and holier-than-thou sanctimonious snobbery? Nevertheless, I'm sorry for my inattention, my neglectfulness and my long silence within my community.
I've gotten pretty good at apologies over the years, having often been in the position to make amends due to my awkwardness, my eagerness, my stubbornness or my meanness. What I've learned, aside from the value of sweets on these occasions as a kind of delicious wheel-greaser, is that a good apology is like a steam-valve, letting out some of the pressure, de-escalating the moment, and unknotting the situation. A good apology expects nothing in return. It is a freely given gift and it must be accepted in order to work. As I mentioned before, due to my bumbling actions and avoidable humanity, I've gotten quite good at apologizing.
I've also spent a lot of my time, in the past, apologizing for things that weren't my fault. The prospect of letting that part of me go is terrifying. It feels as much as a betrayal as it does a possibility. I feel sorry for that too. Writing this, I realize that I've spent a lot of time harboring regret. I've always imagined myself as fierce, free of self-loathing, honest in the world, and true to myself. I suppose I imagined myself as that because keeping myself in my own secrecy had always seemed worse. I realize now that I've spent too much time clinging to this regret and mostly for the things I cannot undo about myself. I've spent too much time feeling trapped in that really cramped and airless cage. I'm here, in part, to tell you that I'm letting all of that go.
I've already made hundreds of apologies. I expect to make many more before my life is over. However, today I'd like to think that I've made one to myself too. For all the regret I've carried and for all the battering I've given my poor heart, it is enough that others do that to us willingly, we should not help them in the cause by punishing ourselves too. I want to apologize and to forgive and to invite you to open the little locked cage of your heart and let free your soul that's been beating itself against the bars for far too long. To anyone who has been in the same place as me, nearly crushing their fragile heart in their own hands, I offer forgiveness. Let us learn to apologize to ourselves too.
