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Politics

Nation's Satire Writers Having A Hard Time Making Things Up About Trump

"He's always one step ahead of us."

Tucker Atwood

Dec 27, 2016

University of Maine

Nation's Satire Writers Having A Hard Time Making Things Up About Trump

Slate

Citing just about every aspect of Donald Trump's life, America's writers of satire reported on Friday that they are finding it hard to keep up with the ambitious satirical career of our future President. Though this was not a surprising announcement, it certainly overshadowed Aleppo, just as every other headline this week has.

"I thought [Trump] winning the election would bring in the next Golden Age for satire," reported a clearly shaken up Timothy Brandon, editor in chief of No News Is Good News. "But with every article we write, he seems to take it and run with it. He's always one step ahead of us."

So what does this mean for the future of entertainment in the news?

"Maybe the government will take over," said a desperate and heartbroken writer at Painless Prints who wishes to remain anonymous. "I hate to say it, but if Donald Trump came into our offices right now and applied to write here, we would hire him in a heartbeat. He's that good."

Recently, it appeared that the satire game against Trump was going to make a comeback, with hilarious articles poking fun at his connections to Russia and his popular Twitter account, but, unfortunately for "fake news" sites across the nation, every single piece of information in these articles ended up being completely true.

"We thought we had a great fake Twitter account all set up," explained a social media correspondent from Truth? Magazine. "We wanted to highlight the President-elect's disregard for important issues and his obsession with public image. However, lately we've just been copying and pasting all of Trump's real tweets, and our fanbase loves it. He's made us kind of lazy."

Is this the end of independently-run satire? Will this be just one other thing that Donald Trump runs into the ground?

"I'm just getting sick of it," reported the guy who is writing this article. "Every time I go to write a good satire, it always has to be 'Trump, Trump, Trump.' The King of Comedy. And he's already got such great work out there, I don't feel like I can even compare myself to him. Everything I write is just a Trump wannabe."

"That guy sucks," said Donald Trump, in response to the guy who is writing this article. "Time to retire the boring and unfunny writing. Tucker Atwood's Trump impersonation stinks. Media rigging election!"

See, I just can't compete with that. I'm sorry, everybody.

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25 Beatles Lyrics: Your Go-To Guide for Every Situation

The Best Lines from the Fab Four

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Nation's Satire Writers Having A Hard Time Making Things Up About Trump

"He's always one step ahead of us."

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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