There is a constant struggle within my mind during every waking moment. I desperately want to be perfect and to overachieve, but I also experience depression and anxiety.

I always compare my work to others' and I value the praise and criticism of teachers too much. In one moment, I am reveling in a sense of superiority. In the next, I am followed by feelings of dread and hopelessness. I acknowledge that I give more attention and care to certain assignments when compared to others, but I am always held down by irrational sadness. I have the desire to work, but I lack the motivation and the energy. My mind is not at its best.

This is especially apparent later in the semester when I am swamped with papers. I am aware that I brought this workload upon myself and that I expected this much when I took this many classes. I know that others have as much to do as I do and perhaps more. Nevertheless, I cannot help feeling sorry for myself, which disgusts me. There are few other instances when I despise myself more than when I wallow in self-pity.

I have the passion for work on the back burner in my brain, but it is clouded with fog and anxiety. I find myself in tears for no reason. I snap at people or get annoyed with little being needed to trigger it. My fears and worries are always on my mind and I end up being unproductive overall.

Most of the time, I procrastinate and put things off, but I complete my assignments with the same focus that I would have had if I had started early. I do not rush nor do I do assignments half-heartedly. However, this semester has taught me that I cannot rely on adrenaline rushes to do my schoolwork for me. I have too much due at one time with too little time left. It would be physically impossible for me to shoehorn all of my work into one big adrenaline rush.

This is my wake-up call for myself. Although I've been aware for a while that I need to pull myself together, I feel such a public airing will make me more determined. I have dealt with depression for so long that I should have mastered shoving it away in times of need, but I still have some work to do. I have a lot of work to do. If I want to be an overachiever, I have to achieve. A work ethic is necessary.

I can no longer stay up until 4:00 in the morning staring at the ceiling and thinking about nothing. I can no longer sleep for half of a day out of a desire to not face it. I must focus and I must live.