Sexual assault has been in the headlines for so long, I can't keep track of all the stories in the news. And I still don't know what to think of all of it. I'm conflicted because as someone who's been through it, I don't think I ever want to come forward and spill all the details about it or let the world know who did it to me.
I can't even explicitly say it because it's so hard to talk about. All of these survivors and victims who are so strong and brave to come forward, yet I just can't put myself in the same category. I don't want to. I still don't feel like what happened to me is comparable to other people. I'm conflicted because when it happened to me, I denied the fact of what it was.
I trusted him. He was a friend. I don't feel like I suffered enough to say "I am a survivor." But I did suffer. It still affects me to this day - even if not the same way and as intensely as it used too when I'd have to sit through class knowing he was right there in the same room not going through the same jumbled mental mess that I was.
I think it's a pride thing; I hate admitting that bad things happen to me because there are too many good things in my life that outweigh it. But that puts a burden on my back to carry this weight of something that was out of my control. And he is so well-liked by so many people I know, and for some reason, I just don't want to ruin that for him. It's confusing, I know.
Seeing people outraged at celebrities when they're accused isn't even a comforting feeling to me. In fact, the entire #MeToo movement makes me a little uncomfortable. For me, I can't fully grasp how people are so open with something like sexual assault. I know it brings awareness and shows support for those who have yet to come forward, but at times it feels like I'm being pressured by someone who doesn't even know me to come forward about something I'm not ready to come forward about.
But here I am now, telling all of you this. A great deal of consideration goes into how someone puts their own experience out for the public to know, so when someone gets shot down or isn't taken seriously, that hurts. Even if it's not me, I can imagine how difficult it must be to be so honest with the world and the world beats you back down for it. Because I need people to understand that for some people, these things have to be dealt with by that person alone. And that it takes time - and people who don't come forward for decades, I can understand that.
These are all my own opinions, and how I feel is how I feel.