Growing up, I never struggled that badly with my weight. Like any middle school girl, there were some outfits that I didn’t want to wear because I thought I looked bigger. And looking back at pictures, there are some times where I’ll admit, I wasn’t the skinniest. I think back in my memories, and I didn’t dwell on it too much. I was in sports at that age, and always running off to practice. Softball and volleyball took up a lot of my time, and my energy. Also, my Dad made my brother and I do 50 pushups and sit-ups, before we could use the computer, which I like to think made me somewhat in shape with my core. I was never the fastest or the strongest kid around, and I knew it; but I tried to keep up with everyone else. Whether it was bike rides or walks, I did as much as I could. I did hit puberty at an early age, and when I mean early, I mean, wearing a bra in the third grade early. I was embarrassed by it for such a long time, and I always wore shirts that were too small for me, because I wanted to hide the fact that I had boobs. I refused to accept the fact that I would have to buy a bigger size. (Which now I realize only made them look bigger) I remember in middle school, I wore athletic clothing for a good majority of the time. Athletic shorts, practice t-shirts, sports bras, sweatshirts, I didn’t dress the best. But, my weight was a never issue, it was having big boobs as a 13 year old that threw me off.

When High School started, that all changed. I began wearing normal bras and better clothes. I also began doing cheerleading, and I think in those three years, I was the skinniest I’ve ever been in my life. It wasn’t anything I did in particular, but I had practice every day, and I worked hard. For the most part, I ate whatever I wanted. I didn’t think too much about my weight until summer came, and then I was self-conscious about wearing a swimsuit, like a lot of girls were. But, to be honest I was always comfortable with my body in High School. I knew I was built differently than others, and at 4’11 with a busty chest I did stand out. I could still fit into little kid section clothes, and I was in shape for me. But I never felt “fat”. Until College…

I feel like when you’re in College, it’s such a struggle to keep your weight healthy and be in shape. Everyone always talks about the “freshman fifteen” and when someone gains weight, we notice it right away and we talk about it. I’ll be the first to admit, there are times when I’m like, “Did you see how much weight so and so has gained?” I’m not saying its right by what I say, and gossip about... However, it's an observation we as humans make, and feel the need to talk about. It’s hard in College, to keep in shape unless you're in a sport, or determined to for some reason. We're given so much freedom in college! To eat whenever and whatever we want. To lay around all day and skip class, or to go to class and then lay around before and after. We are presented with so many choices to be lazy it's insane. So many choices with not only our health, but our lives, and it’s hard to know which choice is the right one. I did Cheerleading in College for the past couple years, and for my freshman and sophomore year, it helped me stay at a healthy weight. I’m not one of the kids who drank a lot in College, so I didn’t have to worry about gaining weight there. I did my thing and went on with my life; until the summer between my sophomore and junior year. That summer, I didn’t exercise as much as I used to, I work at a pizza place and so I ate slices for lunch a lot, I drank off and on, etc…. it was just a number of things that added up to it. I was perfectly fine at first with it, I wasn’t like oh well I need to lose this much weight fast. I was just like, everyone gains weight, it's fine. Then that fall, one of my fellow cheerleaders made a comment when they put me and another girl up in the air. The other girl was skinnier than me, and they couldn’t get her up. And she said, “I don’t know why we can’t get her up, when we can lift you up.” I know, it doesn’t sound like a mean comment, but the way she said it; I knew she meant because of my weight. And in that moment, I lost it. After practice I cried my eyes out and thought about quitting.

I went to the doctor soon after in fall of 2014, and found my weight to be at 140, and I was appalled. I had never weighed that much in my life. I told all my friends, and said I’m fat over and over again. Never did they say, yeah you are. They reassured me I looked fine, but I didn’t feel fine. And so I went crazy. I counted my calories, I ate a protein shake and a sandwich a day, starving myself most of the time. Working out before cheerleading practice, doing sit-ups when I woke up, went to bed etc… I lost 20lbs within a month. I remember how excited I was, I had accomplished something I didn’t think I could do. My friends knew that I wasn’t dieting right, and I knew they were happy for me, but worried. I had one good guy friend that would always ask how I was feeling when I said what my weight was. I lied, and said fine, when in reality I was starving. Finally after some time, I did eat a big r with my friends. It took everything in me to eat it, because I had myself on such a strict diet of nothing; looking at it made me sick. I remember eating it, and then throwing it up after. It was so much for me to eat, and I just couldn’t contain it. I kept the routine up of my shake and sandwich diet up until till my 21^st birthday that March. I weighed about 117 lbs, and even on my birthday I didn’t really eat anything, which caused me to get sick when I drank. My stomach full of nothing and lots of drinks on my 21^st. Not a good match. That summer I began to relax a little bit, eating a bit more, but still being cautious. I know I gained like 3-5 lbs, which isn’t a huge deal, but I hated myself for it. In fall of 2015, I slowly was starving myself every now and then. Then one night, I threw up. And then I did it again, and again. I didn’t do it every day, but I did it enough. A few months passed and I didn’t do it, but I still monitored carefully what I ate.

Now, here we are today, and I’m still trying to find that healthy balance. I see a lot of my friends eat whatever they want 24/7, and it’s hard for me to do that. I wish I could, but then I remember I don’t want to weigh that much ever again. A lot of times, I do have friend’s texting me to make sure I ate at least twice in a day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Some days I do eat three times a day. It’s very confusing and frustrating to me. Some days I’ll wake up feeling so skinny and be ready to eat. Where other days I don’t, and I refuse to not eat at all. I drive my friends crazy! And believe me, I’ve heard you’re hurting yourself, more than helping yourself a hundred times, or you’re messing up your metabolism… more times than I can count. All I can say it’s really hard, trying to remain what society thinks of as skinny, when you feel fine in your own skin; and it’s still not good enough for some people. In a perfect world, I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and never gain an ounce. But, that’s just not possible. Slowly, I’m learning to be healthy and how to eat, and sooner or later, I’ll get there. But it's such a struggle to be skinny, and I don't know if I'll ever feel like I'm skinny enough for not only society, but for the people around me as well.