I've been in outpatient treatment for almost a month and it's been one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had. I'm learning so much about myself and how to deal with what's been hurting me for many, many years. 90 percent of the time the programs within the clinic are helpful, and the staff are wonderful. However there are moments where I feel a bit...thrown off by what is said.
I am all for embracing what's wrong with me. Tackling it head on. I call it a mental illness to remind myself that it's real. That it's something important. I refuse to talk down the concept. I was told to refrain from calling it a "mental illness." It is instead a "mood disorder." While scientifically accurate I will not refer to it that way simply because it seems as if I am making it smaller when in all reality it is a MAJOR part of who I am. You cannot tell me that what I experience is anything less than an illness. I will continue to call it an illness regardless of what anyone tells me to call it because that's how I cope with it.
Now I am thankful to have the support and I am thankful that they try to make it seem smaller to make it easier to cope with. That being said I was told that "this is a gift." Excuse me? This is a GIFT? Well then, where's my receipt, because I would absolutely love to return my mental illness to J.C. Anxiety and The Home Depressant. Why are you making this seem like some sort of "blessing in disguise?" Stop planting my illness in a bed of roses and then expect me to be happy about it.
Mental illness isn't a trend. It's not "cool" to have it. It's not something we go around proudly telling people we have. We think it's great to receive gifts. I love receiving gifts, so why are we telling people that their mental illness is a gift? No one WANTS this. It's not a gift, and it's not a curse, but it's a part of who we are. I refuse to be ashamed of it but I also refuse to make it sound like something I was happily given in a box complete with wrapping paper and a nice pink bow on top.
My mental illness came to me in all black. It came to me with sharp teeth and open wounds. It came to me in a huge wave of soul-crushing pressure. It came to me with a kick to the face and a punch to the gut. It came to me with arms stretched wide. It welcomed me in and made me feel something...and shortly after, nothing.
I'm frustrated and angry with how mental illness is treated day after day. It's either pushed under the rug or glorified in some terrible light that makes it seem like the "next big thing." If you want a diagnosis because you think it's "trendy" I dare you to go to a clinic and visit and see what people deal with on a daily basis. Tell me how quickly you change your mind because it's not pretty. You don't want this. You don't want to feel what we feel nor do you want to experience a lack of feeling anything.
If you want to experience first hand what we deal with then here's what you can do: first, take two bags full of bricks and tie one of them to your feet and put the other on your stomach before falling asleep. When you wake up get out of bed. Do not remove the bricks. Just do it with no effort. Second, put on headphones and play whispering sounds, sirens, bicycle bells, legitimately anything at a very low volume. Gradually increase and decrease the volume. Do this for 10 hours straight. 12 hours. 24 hours. Third, submerge yourself in ice long enough to start shaking. When you get out do not put on a towel. Do not seat next to a heater. Sit and shake for as long as it takes for you to calm down. We don't get to "warm ourselves up" to stop the constant shaking. We cannot take off our headphones to remove the voices and noises inside our heads. We don't get to casually slide our bricks off of our bodies before trying to get out of bed.
So before you go around telling people that this is a gift or a blessing in disguise, I kindly ask you to avoid doing it altogether. You are not allowed to tell us that what we have "could be worse" because to us no, it can't get worse. I will never embrace this as a present. I will never consider this a curse. I WILL consider this a part of me and I will consider it something that I have to work with instead of against to live as typical of a life as I possibly can.
