I normally don't like looking at myself.
I think about how my arms are too big or how sometimes I have puffy cheeks. The whole top half of my body just feels wrong. I feel too wide. My stomach makes me look pregnant. I blame my sometimes pregnant look on my complete lack of muscle. It's not horribly awful in the morning but I soon as I eat you can tell. I'm not saying this because I have an eating disorder or anything. I'm saying this from my eyes, from the eyes of everyone else, and for the comments of the people who almost congratulated my pregnancy… but I'm not pregnant.
And I love the people who mean well and tell me, "well you have two kids." My first child was born in 2006 and the second was in 2015, almost two years ago. Cheering me up with that doesn't help because a couple months after I had my second my stomach was smaller, and now I feel like this impenetrable wall I don't want to be. They say, "Well you're thinner than me," but I have more than I should on a small frame. It's not the actual weight of the number of 150 pounds that bothers me. It's the excess I can see on my frame since I'm not big-boned. Words won't make me feel better. If anything, it enforces my idea that nobody understands.
So I was running late for work and I didn't have time to make a smoothie for breakfast. I decided to go to Smoothie King. I pulled into a parking space and just stopped. I don't know if it's because I was wearing frumpy old lady clothes since it's all I could find, or if I was just feeling bad about myself again. I was extremely self-conscious. I feel like I have the body shape of Gru from "Despicable Me" (okay, I kind of laughed at that) and I'm fine with my stick legs. Don't get me wrong... I do love myself and my life, I just can't stand what I have to look at every day. So anyway, I considered going through the drive thru at Burger King so I wouldn't be seen even though I hate food like that. Was it better than walking into Smoothie King where I would be seen? I didn't want to be seen in public. No pun intended, but I'm happy to say I sucked it up and decided to go into Smoothie King and get a meal replacement smoothie.
All I know is that I am ABSOLUTELY TIRED of hating what I look at every day. I'm tired of:
1. Crying whenever I eat something other than vegetables or fruit
2. Making excuses for when I binge eat brownies (because I love brownies)
3. Hating myself more after that
4. Secretly thinking of using laxatives for weightless
5. Feeling too weak to change
Instead, I am going to:
1. Keep eating healthy
2. Pack snacks and food for lunch
3. Feel better about myself no matter what
4. Keep attending yoga classes and do more for myself
The way I constantly feel about myself sucks and this needs to change.
