I think of you more often than not. I know you're constantly looking down on me, and I can only hope that you are proud. I hope you look down and smile.
Since you left, I wonder what you would be, had you have stayed with me, here. I wonder who you would be, and what you would have chosen to do with your life.
A lot of people can speak negatively, but that doesn't change how I feel about you, and it never will. You were an important person, not only to me but to many people. You were more than a friend to me, you were like my other half. You understood me, better than I understood myself.
You also had my back more than most people did. You'd make me feel like I was able to make my own decisions, whether they were right or wrong. You allowed me to make mistakes, without giving me so much shit about it. You knew that I needed to make my own mistakes and learn from them.
Until recently, I find myself pushing back the thought that you're actually gone. I ignored it for so long because I didn't want to believe that you were gone. I wanted to think that one day you'd call me and tell me that you wanted to hang out. Until recently, I didn't let that thought go. And I'll be honest, holding onto that is what destroyed me for so long. The waiting drove me crazy. It was as if I knew deep down you weren't coming back, but another part of me wouldn't fully let go.
Lately, I'm dreaming of you. A lot actually. Not just once in a while, but for the last few weeks it's been every night. I wake up from my realistic dreams and find myself not able to go back to sleep. I just sit there, so worried about it. Scared. I lay there and wonder what you would say in this situation. Actually, you'd tell me to "quit being a baby and grow up."
I haven't visited your grave since your funeral. So after all these recent dreams, I thought maybe it's time to come to the reality that you are gone and go visit the grave. So I went. I drove all the way there and got flowers. I parked and walked out of the car, and it was as if my legs wouldn't walk any farther. I walked through a few graves with my flowers in hand, and I couldn't go anymore. So I stopped.
I sat in between two random graves and put the flowers down, and started crying. Asking you to forgive me. Telling you I couldn't handle walking to you, even though you were such a short distance away. I felt like I failed you, after so many years I got the courage to go there and still couldn't make it to your grave. It would make it too real for me. I wasn't ready.
I just hope you look down on me and are proud, I hope you don't think I'm weak. I'm trying, I really am. But I'm not strong enough yet. I thought I would be by now, it's been 4 years. But I'm not, and I wish more than anything I was. I know one day, I will be, but not right now. I've surpassed the memory too much, to be ready at this point.
I hope you're proud of how far I have come, and I hope you smile when you see where I am now compared to where I was. I think of you daily, and I bring you up every day. I tell our funny stories to people all the time, and once I start talking about you, I don't know how to stop.. It fills my heart up and makes me feel like you're still here. Part of me will always feel like you're with me still, and I think you are with me a lot.
I miss you every day, and not a day goes by that I don't miss you. You are still here, and I will never let your memory be forgotten. I love you more than words could ever describe, and I hope you look down and smile at me... and from time to time laugh at my stupid mistakes. ;)
The girl that still looks up to you.
In Loving Memory of Anel..