In my short life, I have experienced a lot of grief. Grief is never easy and most the time it's a roller coaster.
Most of the time I struggle to get my head around the idea that someone is gone. It's hard to believe I can't just pick up my phone and call them, or get in the car and drive to visit them. It feels like a piece of my life is missing and nothing can fill that hole.
Many may turn to things to numb the pain. Alcohol, drugs, sleep, or adrenaline stunts. Grief sucks, but if I can get through it without those things, anyone can. To get through the roller coaster of grief, it's easier to just buckle up and take the ride awake and sober.
The roller coaster hits everyone differently, but we all feel the same five stages. Anger, bargaining, depression, denial, and acceptance. There's no certain order to this, but everyone feels them no matter how much they bottle up over a loss
At some point, I would be so angry that my loved one had passed. I would be angry at God, I would be angry at the hospital workers, even angry at my fellow peers that still had their loved ones. Why me? Why did I have to lose such a vibrant soul in my life? I eventually found myself being less angry. I listening to God and His message, and I eventually accepted the path He chose for me.
I was always in denial when I was given the news that my loved one had passed away. It just seemed like a cruel joke! It seemed impossible. Like they were just going to pop out from behind a door and say, "Ha! I fooled you!" But I eventually reached acceptance that they are gone, even if it took years.
I always found myself bargaining after someone had passed. I wished I could trade places. I wished I could do something to bring them back. I struggled with the fact that I was helpless in the situation.
The worst one of all, depression. I already struggled with this problem in my everyday life. When I lost people near and dear to my heart, I also lost my motivation. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I found myself crying randomly at anywhere at anytime. I was medically diagnosed with this mental disorder at a young age, and I carry it with me in every situation. I've learned to accept depression and make my life work positively past the depression.
Although every loss is different and every person is different, grief sucks. I have eventually found peace with my losses but I will never "get over" them. My life is built around these losses, and I build them from the legacies left behind.
I have found peace in their letters, their emails, their photos left behind. I find comfort in the memories shared and the words they have given me. I was given the gift of empathy for those around me suffering the loss of their loved ones. I will never understand their exact journey through grief, but I can relate. No two journeys are the same when it comes to grief because everyone is different.
No matter how close I was to a person, no matter how long ago they passed, no matter how many times I go through grief, GRIEF SUCKS.
