“How did you get so beautiful? How did I create such a wonderful little human being? How did I get blessed with the opportunity to be your mom?”

These are just a few of the hundred questions that I ask myself about you every single day but you are only a future thought.

I think about you all the time. I think about what you are going to look like. Are you going to look like me and have my curls that I had when I was a baby? What about my bright green eyes and my nose? Oh, how cute you are going to be when you get into the world. Sometimes I cannot wait. I want to have you in my arms. That is until I remember— am I ready to be a mom? Honestly, I'm not. There is much of the world that I have to explore. There is so much of myself that I must find. But when it comes time to make my thoughts about you come to reality, I will be ready. When the day comes, I will love on you more than you will ever like. But until day that comes, I want to tell you some things:

1. You are mine.

I will continue to say this all throughout your life. You are my child. I carried you for nine months and there is a bond here that will never be broken. I love you.

2. I will give you what I did not have.

I will give you so much more than what I had because I want you to have the best life— that does not mean whatever you want. It means that I will give you love, memories, a roof over your head, a strong family and an atmosphere where you can be whoever you want to be. If you want to dye your hair pink, we will use the temporary dye, but hey, your hair will still be pink. If you want to wear weird clothes to school, I will join you and find an outfit to match it. Those nights that you want to cry yourself to sleep, but don’t want to talk to mom, I’ll bring in the ice-cream, and I will hold your face while you get snot and tears everywhere. I know this because you are my child, and that’s how I cry. I love you.

3. Be true to yourself.

I will tell you all kinds of things as you grow up, but there will be nothing that I push more than this. Stay innocent and stay true to yourself. Over the years, I have been vulnerable to the opinion of others, and it nearly destroyed me. I had to be liked by the “popular kids.” I needed the best clothing and I needed the trendiest hair style. I needed attention to feel wanted. And when I wasn’t wanted, my heart hurt. I constantly thought to myself all of the things that could have gone wrong. High school was the hardest, but when you find the right group of friends, nothing else matters.

4. Guard your heart.

Love does not come easy. Love is not a slice of cake. Love is eating a really good plate of Mexican food, going home to an upset stomach, spending all night in the bathroom, to only head to bed with a happy, relieved belly. All the pain from a meal was worth it because it made you happy to eat such wonderful food. Do not give into the pressure so easily unless you feel comfortable. Don’t give yourself away to a person unless you know that is the right thing to do deep down in your heart. I trust your judgement and trust that you understand that with every action there is a consequence. I want you to come to me because you need me. It’s okay to ask me questions. I will answer openly – maybe not the way you expect and a little too much but hey, I’m your mom. You’re stuck with me.

5. I will never be your friend because I am your parent first.

I love you with all of my heart, but the moment that you do something to screw up, I will smack you upside the head. If you disrespect, I will teach you to respect. If you hate, you will learn to love. If you are nice, you will be rewarded. Every action comes at a price, but no matter what that price, I will never stop loving you. There may be a time that I lock myself in the bathroom to try and hide from the chaos of you children, but I will always love you. When you start to experience the world one-step at a time, I will be here for you no matter what. I really want you to understand that. Nothing can take my love from you because it will be unconditional. But, my sweet child, I am mother first— always and forevermore. We will do everything together. I’ll be at your games and your recitals. I will be your biggest fan and I will keep your secrets, but I am your mother first.

There is so much time between now and when we finally meet, but it will come fast. I cannot wait for the days that we spend all of our time together. I can’t wait to see your smile and laugh for the first time. You will have my heart the very first moment I lay eyes on you.

I love you, my sweet child.

Forever and always,

A young woman who is not quite ready to be a mom.