I remember being a little kid - I remember loving yet hating valentine's day. Everyone was so ungenuine to the fat girl. That's right, I have always been the fat girl. I was bigger than everyone, taller, and occasionally mouthier. The ruder you were to me, the faster my tongue would respond. Back in elementary school, it was customary to give everyone in your class a valentine, regardless of liking them or not. That's just what you did. I don't remember the first time someone gave me a Valentine that wasn't an obligation - it was an insignificant moment, obviously. I do - however, remember my first Valentine... my Mom.

I cannot... gosh I feel emotional about this topic, emotional about Valentine's day. I know Hallmark made it a staple to profess and even flaunt your love for another individual(s) on one particular day a year (as if the other 364 days were less significant). It didn't help that great writers/poets like Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized a combining of the death of 2 men and a festival of fertility. Pushing that aside - my Mom... she was my first Valentine in the purest of ways.

I knew other kids were giving me cards out of obligation (by the way, I am awesome so you totally missed out on that), being myself, I tried to not let it get to me. My composure could only hold for so long - I was in first grade (this is my first memory, this may or may not be the first time that it happened, but the feelings remain). My mom helped me make a shoebox into my special Valentine's Day collecting box equipped with stickers, sparkles, and way too much glitter. I went to school, got the obligatory cards and brought the box home to show her.

I walked into our apartment door and sitting on our dining room table was a 4 pack box of Russell Stover's assorted chocolates and a tiny stuffed bear. Looking back, I still sob (I am totally crying right now, to be honest) thinking about it. I still remember how it felt to be a Valentine, especially hers - for 5-year-old me, my handmade card with atrocious handwriting and a poorly drawn heart just didn't compare. She didn't notice though.

I miss that.

I miss having my mom as a Valentine.

I'm mailing her chocolate for Valentine's day because I don't see her anymore. She and I have chosen different life paths that don't cross as often as they did when I was small. I was never with anyone, didn't have a partner for Valentine's day until 2014, so she was my Valentine for 20 years. She will continue to be my first Valentine and when I send her chocolate, despite now being with my partner, I will remember that little girl who had felt so special.

In that moment nothing else mattered, thanks, mom, for being #1 and giving me one of my favorite memories.

Who was your first Valentine?