Feelings. We all have them, even though we may never fully understand them. They control our everyday lives and we try our best to ignore them, but they will always have control.
Personally, I struggle to understand my feelings. Sometimes I'll believe the warm feeling in my chest with someone means love, when in reality it's a warning sign for what is going to come. When I met this person, I could've sworn something great would've happened with us, just because I had a feeling in my chest that I had never felt before. I believed it was true love, but it was the opposite. It was a warning sign to get as far away as possible. I held onto that feeling in my chest like it were a glistening piece of hope when it only left me more hurt and confused in the end.
I also tend to misinterpret my feelings. I believe that the feelings I have are for a person when in reality it's for their actions. I could've sworn that I was going to be happy with them because of their actions, but when I sat down and thought about it, I had no romantic feelings towards them. I had a romantic appreciation for the things they would do. Spending countless hours with me because they wanted to and not because they had to, driving me around my new home and showing me all of the cool places that not many people knew about, or taking me on a Cookout run at two in the morning. Don't get me wrong, they're a great person and we're still good friends, but it took me a month to fully understand the things I felt.
And then, there are the feelings that I want to have, but I'm afraid to feel. Recently, I've met someone who I can see myself being happy with. I know that they are who I enjoy and not the things that they do because I only see them once or twice a week when we're in school. My problem is, I'm petrified to fully feel the way that I want to. I'm unsure of what they want, but I'm too afraid to ask on the off chance that it's not the same thing that I do. I have an unexplainable feeling when I'm with them, but it's different from the one I had before.
My feelings towards people tend to be confusing, but sometimes the things I feel for no reason confuse me beyond belief. The random sadness is what confuses me the most. I could be having an amazing time with my friends or family, but once this overwhelming sense of sadness hits, there's no way to control. Most of the time I don't know where it came from, or why it hits and that's what makes it so hard to feel something else.
As people, we all try to ignore our feelings when it comes to making important decisions, but most of the time we end up listening to our hearts instead of following what we know is right in our heads. We can't escape them, so we have to learn when it's right to use feelings for our better judgment.
I definitely follow my heart. I rarely listen to what my brain is screaming at me because the things that I feel are too strong to be overpowered. It's something I need to work on, but it's going to take a lot of time. So here's to us, here's to our feelings, and here's to hoping that one day, we will all be able to finally understand exactly what they mean.
