The day my father officially moved out of my house after my parents' divorce was finalized was a relief. I spent so much of my teenage years hating his addictions and narcissistic behavior that finally being rid of him was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I always avoided the subject of my father and I still find it difficult to talk about his influence on me. I like to pretend my father's actions left no scars, but as I grow older I realize how damaging our abusive relationship was in my dating life.

A daughter's relationship with her father will impact her relationships with men as an adult, and that fact scares me. I have never been on a real date in my life or been in a relationship that lasted more than a few days. My father made it almost impossible for me to trust any other man and made me entirely too self-sufficient. I do not like to give up the control in my life and enter the vulnerable world that is dating. Any time I am presented with an opportunity to start a relationship I always shy away or make up excuses for why dating that man would not work. Most of all, I think I am terrified to put effort into a meaningful relationship only to break up or be disappointed. I crave the intimacy a relationship offers, but I am scared of the commitment.

As I approach the age of 19, I understand the need to break free from my negative behavior. I know that I have to try to connect with people more because I might push others away for good. I have to acknowledge the fact that my father's abusive relationship with me did some emotional damage that will be hard to repair as I grow older. While I still feel as if I am a stronger woman because of my father, I need to accept that the destructive relationship broke me in a way. In the future, I plan to work on my avoidance of relationships and try to be more comfortable with taking risks that could very well pay off in the end. I will never know what will be the outcome of a relationship, but I have to try or I will never be happy.