Coming home for winter break was everything I thought it would be... Including the bad parts.
I came home knowing that I would be loved, knowing that I would see people that I have loved my whole life. As always, I was excited to be home. My depression, however, was not.
I've been sleeping a lot. Winter break means that, aside from family and friends, I have no obligations. So I sleep. I sleep until 2 pm and am tired by 8 pm. If it wasn't for my significant other, I probably wouldn't get out of bed. Frequently he will ask me to do things with him, and even though these things make me tired, I do them.
I socialize with people; I went to many Christmas dinners and gatherings, a beautiful wedding, and met my honorary nephew for the first time. But each and every one of these gatherings is exhausting. After I was done with visiting for the day, I would come home only to almost collapse with exhaustion. Coming home meant socializing, and even though I knew that, I wasn't prepared for how much it would tire me out.
Even going out for coffee at noon makes me tired, and even though I haven't canceled with anyone yet, I have thought about it. I have sat up in bed, with tears in my eyes, wondering if seeing this person would be worth the exhaustion. But here's a secret: it is always worth it.
As much as this winter break has exhausted me, it has been worth it. I love and miss all of my family and friends so much. This month I have seen some people I haven't seen in years, and while seeing these people exhausted me later, it was worth it.
My depression doesn't usually give me a break. It is almost always with me. My depression makes me tired beyond belief, and tells me that nothing is worth my effort. But my depression is wrong. Seeing people is worth the exhaustion, and I want each and every one of my friends and family to know that I will always be willing to see you.
Keep making plans with me. Keep pushing me to come see you and ask me how I'm doing, because it is worth it. I am tired, but I am never tired enough to deny someone I love. You matter to me, and I cherish my time with you. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for loving me when I neglect you. I love you all.
