I only tell people I'm close to about my problem. It's kind of my little secret. A secret I've been carrying around for years, a secret that forces fear into my life, a fear that I'll probably always struggle with. I have a chronic physical illness.
You probably didn't know that unless you're close to me, because I try really hard to hide it. People don't see the things I go through, or the emotional burden that my illness bears on me- they just see the girl who does things a little differently sometimes. They don't know why. They just figure I'm a little weird and accept that.
What I would love for people to know is that this illness has restricted me from doing so many things. I would love to be involved in so many different groups and just be able to hang out with people without stressing or worrying, but I can't. I've tried.
I know there are others in my boat. Some of us are treated as taboo subjects and we end up in our own bubble, complaining to each other about what we have to deal with, but putting on a facade every day we step out the door into a world where people don't understand.
But I am so tired of living in my own little world, where I have very few people to talk to about this. I'm tired of constantly trying to cover up my secret. I'm tired of not doing things I want to. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. This problem has become more than I can handle.
Maybe that's the point though. I can't handle it on my own. It constantly makes me rely on God. No matter how great things are going, this illness incessantly reminds me that I still need God. It makes me cry out to Him for help. It makes me trust in Him to get me through another day.
So, from this point on, I don't want to refer to my illness as a problem anymore. It does cause many problems in my life- and I would love to not have to deal with it. That's not the case though. There are only two options here- I let it run me into the ground, or I change my mindset. I used to curse my problem and pray to God that He would just take it away. Now I think I've realized I have to deal with this for a reason.
My illness is a blessing. In many different ways. Without going into detail of what illness I have, here are a few reasons. It forces me to eat healthy. It forces me to exercise. It forces me to take time to relax. It forces me to come to God in prayer. It has shown me what true friendship looks like. It has prevented me from filling my schedule to the top and overwhelming myself. It has made me truly appreciate the days when my body works like it should. It makes me grateful to God that I'm alive.
There will still continue to be days when I just don't want to deal with my illness- but those are the days that I will remind myself that God can use anything to help us grow. My illness is a blessing, and I thank God for it.
