People warned me about it, the sophomore slump. I’ve heard horror stories, the late nights spent studying, the heartache and depression, the expectations that just aren't attainable. I never thought it would happen to me in college, freshman year just went too well. I loved it. I thrived. I made great friends, I did amazing in school and my social life was amazing, I finally loved myself. My depression and anxiety subsided quite a bit second semester, and I was just floating through life in my own little bubble.
I hit summer and couldn't wait to get back to school for my second year of college. I honestly was counting down the days, for good reason. Who wouldn't want to get back to their favorite place? The place where they reached their full potential and the place where they were truly content for one of the first times in their life. I finally got back to school to start my sophomore year, and after a few weeks, reality set in.
Honestly I was sad, I was lonely and I really just didn't feel right. I spent most of the school year in bed wondering what I was doing wrong and why I just couldn't keep up with everyone anymore, both socially and academically. First semester I struggled with classes and just couldn't seem to be happy. I was more than ready for winter break and to get a fresh start second semester. During break I was able to come to grips with what I was going through and bring myself back to reality. I didn't tell many people that I was struggling, but the people that did know helped immensely. But before I could get completely settled, it was time to go back to school.
Second semester is when it hit the hardest. I got the taste of home and stability during break and then all of a sudden I was sent full force into a life that I was dreading once again. I started new classes, swearing to myself that I would stay on top of things and exceed expectations, but I couldn't help but fall behind again. I let myself go, both mentally and physically. I lost the love for myself that it took so long to achieve, and hatred set in. Day after day I tore my reflection and psyche to shreds. I lost myself and couldn't get back, the worst part was: I knew I was completely gone.
A few friends noticed, and I thank God for them on a daily basis. If they didn’t voice their concern and love for me I don't know if I could have gotten through it. My roommate honestly loved me more than I could ever love myself and kept me from falling apart. My amazing teachers and advisors made sure I didn't lose my passion for my major. And the new people and opportunities that came into my life gave me reasons to keep going.
Sophomore year just ended, and I don't think I can bring it to words how happy I am to put this year behind me. This summer is going to be one of rebuilding. Whether it be my mental stability or relationships that I let fall behind, I am going to rebuild my life. I think being away from school for a few months will give me space to breathe and experience happiness. I would be lying if I said I loved myself and felt completely normal again, but there is no doubt in my mind that I will find that love someday.
There’s a quote, “…and then I fell apart, and it was the most beautiful moment ever, because right then, I realized that I could put the pieces back together the way I wanted to be.” And I think that’s where I am right now in life, I’m putting the pieces back together, and finding myself, slowly but surely.
