I’ll just say it: this has been a weird summer so far. First, I’ve been in a kind of mental slump. I mentioned in my last post that I broke out in stress hives as soon as I moved back home for the summer. This was because even though class was done for the semester, I have a lot of work to do before next semester. Because of my health issues, I have a lot of random extra things to take care of with my apartment, my tuition, and my classes for next year. And the only thing more fun than doing paperwork is doing paperwork about money (having a chronic illness is super expensive). Unfortunately, my method of not wanting to think about it and thus not doing it has made this process a slow one.
On my mission to distract myself from responsibility, I’ve discovered something truly magical: my backyard. My family is lucky enough to have a huge, beautiful backyard. However, we are unlucky enough to have serious seasonal allergies that keep us from enjoying this yard – for the most part, that is. Every morning my parents go out onto the deck to drink their coffee and feed the squirrels. Yes, you read that right. My mother feeds the squirrels, chipmunks, and birds in our backyard. She even sings that "feed the birds" song from Mary Poppins as she fills little bowls up with birdseed. This woman makes peanut butter sandwiches for the neighborhood squirrels, and they go right up to her and take them from her. This is our normal. It started with just my mom, but eventually, she got my dad and I to gain the animals’ trust as well. Now, on any given day, you can find one of us on our deck with squirrels and birds eating right out of our hands. With all these woodland creatures walking up to me, I feel like a damn Disney princess. This is not in any way a complaint, but I would like to acknowledge the weirdness. It’s super weird that squirrels knock on my door all the time waiting for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It’s weird that one squirrel comes inside our house and stands there like she owns the place. It is weird as hell that when my mom goes outside all the neighborhood animals come scurrying and flying to her. But this is my reality. I eat lunch with squirrels.
Anyway, I’ve been spending a lot of time on my deck since the summer began. My insomnia is in its ‘early morning’ phase (meaning I wake up really early in the morning and can’t get back to sleep), so I like to grab my bullet journal, some coffee, and whatever book I’m reading out to the deck. I like to sit at our patio table on the eastern side of the deck so I can feel the sunrise as I do my Daily Calm meditations. (Side note: did that last sentence sound posh as hell, or is it just me?) I’ve finally gotten back into the habit of meditating every day around the same times (11:20 a.m. and before bed), and it’s such a relief. For a while, I was so exhausted and stressed that I didn’t feel motivated to meditate – which, by the way, is totally backward – but I finally mustered up the energy. That may sound silly, needing energy to sit still and breathe, but it’s so much more than that. Meditation is a powerful and sometimes frustrating mental exercise because we never stop thinking. Our minds are like train stations, releasing a million trains of thought per second*, and keeping up with them is exhausting. Taking time to quiet the voices in my head, pay attention to my breathing, and check in with myself makes a world of difference to my mood and overall wellness. And my deck is the perfect setting for that.
My favorite thing about my time on the deck is that, for the most part, I’m alone. This is nothing against my family or friends, but I love to be alone. I love being able to talk to myself. I love being able to slow down and not pressure myself to do anything or be anywhere. It’s almost like a less formal meditation. There’s no one to engage with, so I can just listen to the birds chirping and the wind blowing through the trees. I’ve also made a playlist for this specific activity, complete with songs by Earth Wind and Fire, The Beatles, Emily King, Rufus Wainwright, and a wide variety of other artists. The intent behind the playlist was to have songs that could either be turned up for me to rest in and experience, or turned down and used as inspiring background music for if I want to read or write. In either situation, the music is as beautiful as the view from my seat, and so it is perfect. I sit in the sun and listen to Searching For a Feeling by Thirdstory** while reading Mamrie Hart’s*** You Deserve A Drink and splitting a PB&J with a squirrel. One of these days, maybe I’ll even do something productive toward my education. I guess I’ll just have to see where the summer takes me.
*I 100% made up that rate. I don’t count my trains of thought. You know what I’m trying to say.
**Go look up Thirdstory on Youtube right now.
***Read this book. Mamrie Hart is a national treasure.
