I’m not one to give my heart out, at least not fully. I have the typical girl insecurities: I’m not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough. But this past summer I met/re-met this guy, and he stole my heart. For a while I tried to deny it, but the truth is that he had me long before I even knew it. We may not be perfect: We live 500 miles away, we don’t agree on everything, and we're going in complete opposite directions in life. But to me it’s worth it; he’s worth it.
I don’t know how he puts up with me. I freak out over literally anything, say rash things, and frequently trash talk his sports teams. I'm probably one of the most annoying people west of the Atlantic. And yet he puts up with my nagging, complaining, and insecurities and chooses to love me. With him I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I feel cherished, respected, and most importantly, loved. He knows when to challenge and when to comfort me. His companionship, his friendship, is irreplaceable. I know it's cliche, but because of him I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Love is not just an emotion you feel when you’re in the company of someone. Loving someone is a choice; it’s an everyday choice to put someone else’s needs, desires, and feelings before your own. I didn't even realize this until my guy showed me this. From 500 miles away he puts me first. He makes sure I'm OK, that I'm happy every day. Those little texts and words of encouragement and his support mean more to me than I could've imagined. He chooses me; he's always choosing me. It’s definitely not easy for me to put this into practice, to choose him. Sure, that warm giddy feeling when I see him is wonderful, so wonderful words can't even describe it. But we aren't always together; we don't have that option. And as much as I hate that I am so grateful we don't. I've learned to love him, to really truly love him. Love takes effort and trust, both of which I have some difficulty giving.
It’s easy to think about him, especially when I feel lonely. But it’s hard to think of him first. I’m a senior graduating this spring and then leaving for Africa for two years; I have a bunch of my own things to think about. I have concerns, worries, and fears solely selfish in nature. Most of the time when I want to talk to him I want to talk about my own problems, my school issues, Africa, my family. It’s so easy to complain to him. I never recognized how selfish my conversations were until I started seeing him. It’s not that I didn’t want to know about him, or hear what he has to say, but it’s just so easy to choose me. It’s wonderful having a shoulder to lean on, but loving him means that I need to be his shoulder too. Long distance is not my forte. I honestly hate it. I hate feeling robbed of time and moments together. My relationship relies on trust. In fact the times when it's been rocky it's been my lack of trust at fault. It’s so easy to let doubt and fear creep into your mind. It’s easy to second guess every text or phone call or action. I’m easily one of the worst when it comes to doubt. Loving him means trusting him, trusting his words, and trusting our relationship.
It’s so easy to run or give up because of the distance. It’s so easy to doubt and fear and hide myself. I would know: I’m guilty of each of those. Those thoughts creep into my mind more frequently then I'd like to admit. I’ve probably potentially sabotaged this relationship at least four or five times, and yet he still chooses me. He chooses me even when I find it hard to choose him. I always get that butterfly feeling when I’m with him. But loving him means more than just sharing passionate moments and saying romantic words. He deserves nothing less than love from me. Loving him is a choice I make every day. It’s not easy for me, in fact it's one of the hardest choices I make, but he’s definitely worth it.
A little friendly advice: If you think you love someone, ask if you’re choosing him or her. If you aren’t, then start; you will grow in so many ways and your love for your “someone” will deepen immensely.
