Dear Mom,
I could tell you how selfish you are, or remind you how you ruined my life, but i’m not going to. Truth is you didn’t ruin my life , you ruined yours. I used to pity myself. You know, the big sob story of not having my mother around because she’d rather be mixing pills with God-knows-what. But these years that have passed, somewhere along the line I came to the realization it’s not me missing out: it is you.
Before I go any further I want to state this: I am not writing this as an attack towards you. I don’t want to hurt you. No matter how wrong you have done me and my brother I would never want to see you hurt. You are still my mother and I thank you for that. For the times you were here you were a good mom, you just lost your way and can’t seem to find your way back; and until then, I’m sorry but I don’t want inconsistency in my life. I’ve had too much of that in my childhood.
A lot of times people ask me why I am always the one apologizing to you or for you, and I can’t help it. I truly mean it when I say “sorry” because I truly am sorry, to you and for you. I used to build our relationship on hatred. But I am not the enemy here, and neither are you. I will always forgive, because never have I ever doubted your love towards me.
My heart actually goes out to you. I am not the one who has lost something for that is you. You don’t get to see how my little brother does his hair on picture day, you don’t get to see the test I got a 102% on. You don’t get to see my acceptance letter for college courses. You won’t pick out my prom dress, you don’t get to hold me when I’m sad. You are missing out on our lives. You think they suddenly stopped after you left? Our life has gone on. I couldn’t keep living my life in loss and confusion.
You will always be my mother, but just giving someone life is not a mom. Being in your kid’s lives as much as possible, choosing them before you. THAT is a mom. “ Well I come over once a week” says you. You have a five-minute conversation with me, get pills and leave. But you’re right I am lucky to have you as a mom, as you turned me into someone you will never be. You’ve taught me heartbreak, maturity, love, but most importantly: you taught me how to be stronger than I was. I am the person I am today because of you. I hope to make you proud one day, and I hope you regret every second you weren’t here.
- Your Daughter
