Mom,

It's been five years,
I still miss your laugh,
your smile,
your perfume,
your voice,
your touch,
the way you would comfort me when I was sad,
the way you would celebrate my birthdays,
the fact that you were caring,
the fact that you loved me unconditionally,
the radiant personality you had,
the leader you were,
and everything about you.

I hate that your life was cut short,
I hate that you were in immense pain,
that it took away your quality of life,
that I couldn't do anything to end it,
that you couldn't make it to my graduation,
or comfort me when I had surgery,
that you won't be there for my wedding,
to give me something borrowed or something blue,
for my first child,
or my second,
that you won't be there to hug and comfort me when I am sad,
that I can't call you at any given point to talk,
especially when life is challenging and no one else understands,
because you always had the right thing to say,
or that your cancer was so vicious,
and so uncaring about how precious you were,
that there was no cure,
no way to take the burden away from you.

While I love my family
and the fact that we have grown closer since you've been gone,
and that I have an amazing Dad that loves me just as much,
to whom I reciprocate that love,
that I am proud to have accepted a stepmom in my life that I consider a mom,
and that I have strong women around that help fill that void

who are mothers themselves and have adopted me,

it still doesn't hurt any less.

I learn every day to take another step forward,
to know that you are happy in Heaven,
that you're not lost, but now a memory,
how to communicate with you in a different way,
and that I have stories to tell my future children
about how great their grandmother was,
that I have a huge legacy to live up to,
and that even though you're gone physically,
you're still protecting and loving me.

I never thought about the day I'd have to start going through life without you,
I was just a kid when they gave you the news,
but had to quickly quit being one,
and was just a sixteen-year-old when you left this Earth,
and in that moment I realized how much more I appreciated you,
just how much you went above and beyond,
that you are my reason for inspiration,
how much you gave us in our life,
how fortunate we were to have you
and just how lucky others are for having their moms around.
While it definitely was not, and still is not easy to know that you're gone,
I'm glad to have known you and to have been able to call you "Mom".

To my future children:
I hope to be half the woman your grandmother was,
that you know that I will love you with every fiber of my being like she did,
that I will love you unconditionally like she did,
that I will try my absolute best to provide you with every opportunity in life that you could ever want like she did,
that your grandmother is a good part of the reason you are here,
that your grandmother is a legacy we both can try to work together to fill,
that your grandmother taught me how to love,
to pick you up when you fall down,
to put a band-aid on your cuts and bruises,
and kiss them to make them feel better,
to help you learn and grow,
to teach you how to dream,
to love your siblings,
to explore the world,
to not settle or take no for an answer,
to learn to appreciate yourself,
and others,
and to accept all.
Just know that your grandmother is a huge part of the reason you are here and that you have the opportunity to love and be loved.

To my family:
I want to extend and immense amount of gratitude,
to my Dad,
Because of how much you care,
and love us,
and take care of us.
Just know that no amount of words can describe how I love you,
even when I don't always show it.
To Kim,
because you didn't have to step up to the plate,
but you did
and are there for me always,
you are kind and generous,
have taught me a lot,
and you have worked as hard as possible to be a new mom to us,
and we love you as one,
to Kayla,
because I love you always, my sister,
and I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for you,
and even though I tell you to quit mothering me,
I'll always need you,
to Andrey,
for loving my sister,
and being my new brother,
you are amazing,
I love you as my brother,
to my Aunt Carol and Uncle Alan,
thank you for everything,
for helping us with everything,
and because Carol, you remind me so much of mom,
because you've both gone above and beyond to show me (and others) love,
even when we misunderstood,
and even though I went through a rebellious phase, you're still here,
to Che-hona Miller and the Hardesty family,
thank you for all that you did,
and all that you continue to be.
Words cannot express my love for you all.
To Meme Tunnell,
for being my Bellarmine Mom,
you have helped get me through very troubling times,
and continue to take care of us as your own.
We all love you so very much!
To Phoebe, my precious dog,
You were the light to my darkness
when I received you as a small bundle of joy,
you're so much more than a dog,
you are my partner in crime,
and are an innocent, non-discriminating, and everloving dog.
And to all of my family, friends, and all of the people that have been such a colossal part of my life,
ESPECIALLY my Bellarmine friends,
for everything you've done,
for just being there and supporting me,
of where I've gone because of you,
of what I've accomplished because of you,
of who I've become because of you,
THANK YOU.
You have no idea how much your unconditional love has made a difference.

To all the mothers and children out there:
don't forget to hug each other,
and to talk,
and laugh,
to make peace,
to cry together,
to celebrate together,
to love each other,
to cherish the little things,
not always material things,
to appreciate everything about one another,
to say thank you,
to cook together,
to make memories,
and take a second to realize just how lucky,
how LUCKY, extremely lucky you are
for your relationship with your mother,
because you never know when there is no tomorrow.

And while I am sad that you're gone,
or those days when I just need you,
I still love you and know that you love me,
and I know that you're still there,
because after all, you're my mom.