Hablo Español, but I also speak English

Spanish was the first language I learned at home, and English was the language I was introduced to, academically, at about the age of seven. Because I lived in a predominantly hispanic neighborhood, the majority of my classmates were actually in a very similar situation.

I appreciate the initiative that my family provided. It was an assurance that my Mexican heritage would culturally enrich me. It was also a way of communicating with a broader range of people. I always thought of it as an advantage, which it is, but I have recently realized how difficult it has been for me to practice both.

Unfortunately, neither my English nor my Spanish are good enough for either the native-born Mexican people or the other Americans. Being bilingual might look incredible on a resume or college application, but if I make a mistake in either language, the other native speakers judge me. There are many instances in which my accent does not fit under the ideal Mexican or the ideal New Yorker. For someone who has been surrounded by all types of accents from around Latin America, I have been told I do not have the Mexican or the American one. I feel I have always been categorized as someone who is in the limbo stage when it comes to linguistics. When I speak Spanish in Mexico, they call me “gringa” (the American), which dissociates me from them, and when I speak English, I constantly find myself mentally correcting my grammar and having the need to expand my vocabulary. I have to be twice as proficient as the other speakers in order to fit in.

There are certain instances in which I feel I can't speak English properly because the word that I am looking for does not come as naturally. I know I say certain Spanish words with a slight accent. I can say a word with confidence with non-native speaker friends, and they won't know the difference, but other Spanish speakers are quick to correct me.

Now that I live with housemates who speak English the majority of the time, I feel that I am losing the Spanish that I was raised with because I lack practice. Because of this, I am constantly pushing myself to read and listen to Spanish outlets, whether they be books, videos, or musical artists.

Regardless of the difficulties, I am grateful to have the opportunity to speak, read, and write in both languages. There are many who do not have the opportunity to even properly learn one.

I know this feeling can't be an isolated case. I am sure this also happens with other bilinguals. What are your experiences?