When we are young the world looks different. Reality is spun with a touch of our innocence and limited view. We are incapable of realizing the entirety of the story for years.
During this time, love is an important building block for us as kids. It's an abstract longing and needs that have to be constantly re-nourished. Only those who are consistent in showing up and showing love become important in a child's mind.
You remember those who call on your birthday. You adore those who are there more than the holidays. You look up to those who show the effort to support you. And you forget those who make excuses.
I had one grandma that I actually have happy, real memories from my childhood. I have one grandma that made me feel loved my entire childhood.
And now I see the whole story that she never was perfect, but the important part is she was present. She built me up and made me believe in myself when I was a child. With her, I shared laughs and hugs and love.
That summer we lost her is one that left a pretty meaningful impact. Holidays never have been the same without a crazy cat lady to collect the Christmas bows or to count on to always be late. Our family felt her pain as she fought, but the sharpness of loss was a new pain.
She is the one I miss on important days. The one that I wish tears could bring back for a day, a conversation, a hug. I long for that kind of love I felt with her, and only her. When so much love and brightness leaves our world around us a dark blurriness surrounds the edges of vision for a while. Sadness and loss takes place of the special times you normally have joy and happiness
My grandma is the best piece of extended family that I ever had. When I look in the mirror I love seeing the resemblance I have with her. I can smell her in certain perfumes and hear her in a piano. I strive to make her proud and hope she can see me from the place she feels no more pain.
As still just a kid I worried that the rest of my family would try to replace her. My family that for me, had never been there until now.
I'll never forget her but I'll always miss her.