I am a girl that is infatuated with the concept of pure, passionate love. I am the definition of a hopeless romantic. I started dating when I was 14 and up until I was in my first week in college, I had somebody that called me "their's". I liked this idea. I was somewhat dependent on this idea of being somebody's. When my most recent relationship ended in August, I started out on the process I was way too familiar with: replacement. I lost weight, toned up, changed my hair style and color, put on a happy face and started looking for a boy to fill the void that he had left. I talked to a few guys, and I was left hurt and empty by all of them because what they wanted wasn't the same thing I was searching for. I'm searching for a pure love that lasts. They were...not. I would adapt to characteristics that they had, "liked" things they liked, put up with things that I would normally not stand to even be around. I shrunk myself for their comfort zone, I became small for people who refused to grow. Last night, I got home from a date, sat on my bed, and cried my heart out. It finally hit me.

It's not their void to fill, it's mine.

The void isn't craving a boy's love and acceptance, it's craving my own.

Everything I've dreamed of my future husband to have, I already encompass, myself. I dream of sensitivity, empathy, creativity, authenticity, vulnerability, and purity. I have those things myself and I sit here and blindly ignore them when they deserve to be praised. What am I doing?

Self- love is an idea I have never quite been able to grasp and accomplish because I have always allowed others to decide my worth. It's almost as if I feel it is not my place to decide my own value. It sounds absolutely insane but that is what wired in my brain.

My way of thinking is wrong. I am wrong for letting myself depend on another human's opinion of me to decide if I am worthy of the love that I pray for every night. I am worthy of it. The love I crave I am able to provide to myself. One of my favorite writers/poets, Rupi Kaur, writes about strength, feminism, pain, and self love. One of my favorite poems confirmed that the act of loving and accepting myself fully is the only solution to fill this emptiness I feel inside.

Starting today, I vow to embrace and appreciate the parts of me that society doesn't clap for.

I vow to grow even if it intimidates.

I vow to stand firm in my beliefs even if I am the minority in my thinking.

I vow to love myself, fully and genuinely.

I vow to be mine, before I am anyone else's.